Bad Medicine II.

He's walking like a small child
But watch his eyes burn you away
Black holes in his golden stare
God knows he wants to go home
Children of The Damned

He's walking like a dead man
If he had lived he would have crucified us all
Now he's standing on the last step
He thought oblivion well it beckons us all
Children of The Damned

Now it burns his hand he's turning to laugh
Smiles as the flame sears his flesh
Melting his face screaming in pain
Peeling the skin from his eyes
Watch him die according to plan
He's dust on the ground what did we learn

You're Children of The Damned
Your back's against the wall
You turn into the light
You're burning in the night
You're Children of The Damned
Like candles watch them burn
Burning in the light
You'll burn again tonight
You're Children of The Damned

My Strength.

they say that kids need a father. but they forgot, sometimes a father needs his kids as well, more than the kids ever does.

can't sexpress myself more as i lost words to be spoken with.

but bless me ..


- emzack. Tue 140206. 15 Muharram 1427. 0852 pm. sa.

Sunday Marathon.

due to certain things didn't go as planned, i ended up busy in the kitchen on last sunday. for the first time i did a marathon, stay there for a 3 hours preparing few dishes started with daging goreng lada hitam, then sup ayam and boil the mee (for mee sup), then puding roti coklat, then ayam goreng berlada, then the chocolate sauce for the puding roti and lastly salmon grilled.

all in all everything were ok except for ayam goreng berlada; the sambal a bit dry, kurang minyak my wife said and the ayam goreng also a bit dry, terlebih garing. but its alrite. lesson learned. mana chef yatt ni ... ilmu dia bagi tader cukup aaaaa. sib baik tak hangus sambal tu :)) ekekekeke

was looking at the recipes in the book. none have caught my attention. perhaps will browse thru later for next target of dishes. at the meantime must try the ayam/ikan goreng berlada until ok. and must prepare my mindset for the chocolate cake and cheese cake. these two i must do. they are my kids and my favourite :)

after the long hours at kitchen, having the small slice of grilled salmon and some puding roti with chocolate sauce and also with nescafee suam :) i was smiling satisfied. then i went for asar prayer. just in time my wife cousins arrived few minutes later.



chocolate sauce. black la plak colour dier


daging goreng lada hitam


salmon grilled. umak aiii .. ado lime ni lagi sodap agak ehh.


ayam goreng berlada yg kureng menjadi.


sup ikan haruan lada hitam. cooked a day earlier.

Pohon Kasih.

Kusemai
benih kasihmu
menjadi pohon cintaku
kusiram
pohon cintamu
merimbun kuntum rinduku
kusunting
kuntum
rindumu

Mengharum wangi hidupku


- beautiful piece that i found and been read it over and over every nite. just wanna share.
- words by Sarimah Abu Bakar. Januari 1999.
- pic : una_flor_by_paradegritar @ deviantart.com

The Final Truth.

i have been waiting
for you
for a long time
that feel like ages
in the sun
in the rain
even in the storm.

little that i know
you are waiting
for someone else.


- emzack. 100206. 0558 pm. sa.
- pic. : don't speak 5 by jmonzani@deviantart.com

Wajah Siapakah? Part II.

we head to PD after dzohor time on saturday. i forgot to take into account of the weekend jammed along the highway. thus the journey took a longer time than i estimated. finally we reached there around 5 pm.

the sun was bright. the weather was so fine. the sea was at low tide revealing a wide and long beautiful beach. the wind was mild thus the wave was hardly visible. in fact the sea seemed like a huge swimming pool to me. the water was very much crystal clear.

my three kids were impatient to get into the water. as soon as they put down things that they carry, they stripped leaving the bath suits that they wore underneath and headed straight into the water, after they saw me nodded approving of their intention. i joined them soon after.

there were not many crowds there. and my three kids really have a good time in the water whereas my youngest son was enjoying his time running and playing on the beach. since the last time he had difficulty in the swimming pool he had a phobia getting into a water.

we moved from there after the sun was fully swallowed by the sea. but before we head home we dropped by at the Telok Kemang Tourist Centre. A lot of stuff were selling there. my wife bought few souvenir items.

it was a joyous evening indeed. seeing my kids tired but happy faces, i smiled silently. but deep down in my heart, sorrow was much felt as there was one face that i can not help but remembered all the times, the one that i long to be with, as she promised to return with me. alas ... the log long gone.

sunset 1

sunset 2

WhenEver & WhereEver.

at sjmc bed


at hometown

when sleep is hard to come by or there is little time for it, i wud simply try to have a nap whenever and wherever possible. such as while awaiting for the hospital to prepare documentation for my youngest son to be discharged or while sleeping my seken son.

(testing the code provided by Cik Konat. tq very much)

Proud Parent. Part II. Like Father Like Son.

my eldest son used to be very closed to me. at one time he pulled himself away and so did i. i was hard on him. realising what i did was wrong i try the phsychology approach by doing more talking rather than using my hand. and our relations improved over the times. as they say, hugs and kisses our kids while they are still small coz once they grow big they will also grow shy to have us to do those to them especially in public.

during his earliest years, he is the one whom i always took whenever i go anywhere. his sister i normally left at home to accompany her mother. most of the times the travellings were at nites and mostly he wud be sleeping. and i have to carry him most of the times. sometimes even when he wide awake.

when his lil bro was born, i am still very much attached to him. coz unlike most parents, i am not that comfortable to have small baby in my arms. only when they are about 8 months above when their bone considered 'keras' then i dare to lift and have them in my arms. soon there are two of them whom i always took everywhere i go.

as my eldest son grew he becoming more like me. dunno how to explain it.

last time in our outing at PD, there was a group of youngster who also camping there comprising of both boys and girls. they all went swimming in the sea. there is one girl who a bit 'tembam' but for no apparent reason wearing a top that reveal most part of her breast.

later my son tersengeh-sengeh told me "ayah ... tadi ibai nampak nenen goyang-goyang".

about the same incident happened when we went to a shopping mall recently and passed by a lingerie shop. no wonder he was far behind.

it is time for some kind of damage control here, i told myself. it probably work so far coz whenever a sexy girl appear on tv screen he wud look else where. but the real test wud be when we make another trip to the beach or passing by a lingerie outlet ...

as for my own chilhood experience on the same subject ... perhaps some other time. ;))

Proud Parent.

so my wife told me the bad news. her face contain so many emotions from gloomy, frustration, sad etc etc. my eldest son currently in standard two has been placed in kelas peralihan coz he can't read fluently.

i just keep silence. to me it is not something bad altogether. mebbe he can do better and improve himself when he study in that class. and definitely it is not the end of the world. our house is still standing.

like any other things human performance also will always subject to a certain cycle. there is up and down. the only question is how long is the certain part of the cycle will take place. it shall depends on various variables and factors that influence the said human peformance such as environtment, peers influence, dietary, family orientation, health and etc etc.

i was considered a smart boy when i stepped into primary school. i always scored the top 5 if not top 3 in my class. i can read well in standard 1. i can recite or read al-quran as soon as i graduated into standard 2. then i learn how to pray. everything i did and accomplished on my own. i remember clearly how i learn to spell and read the word 'Kah' (as in "Buku Siapakah Ini?") as i spell it as 'K.A.H' but my pronunciation was 'KU.AH'. i mean at the age of 7 years old i don't have the word 'kah' in my vocabulary but only the word 'kuah'. i know there is something wrong with it as i spelled it again and again while continuing scratching my head.

but when we moved to Kuching, Sarawak while i was in the middle of standard 2, as my father was posted there, my performance drop badly. once in standard 3 my exam result was bad that i was amongst the last persons in my class. but that did not stop me from laughing at my fren's drawing as i saw the pady field that he drew looks like 'standing'. even the teacher agreed with me and didn't scold me for laughing. and as the time progress my performance was getting better. i got an considerable excellence result for peperiksaan Penilaian Darjah 5 except for my English subject that i got 'C'. i always do badly in English subject ...

i see the potential in my eldest son. he can draw well just like his father. he likes to do origami, not like his father, his father only knew how to do paper plane/jet. i believe he just in his down cycle with regard to his study. give him a bit space and motivation and with His' grace and compassion, my son could strive and excel.

while in the car that nite going to my parents house i did the slow talk to him and also to his elder sister. i asked them to put an effort to do homework and do a lot of reading both the BM and English. i bought them their own story books. i bought him the origami book. hopefully they can be independent as i was. at least they have their mother at home who can assist them.

as i can't monitor them that frequent, i have left the responsibility to their mother. perhaps i should put more effort in their education than what i have done so far. perhaps i was indeed 'different' and they can't be like me when i was small. i was wrong to adopt that impression. it is time i change my perception and my strategy in bringing them up. i can't leave to others with that responsibilities. look like i have to do it on my own ...

Keluhan Terakhir.

aku tak kisah
untuk meniti hari-hari sepi ini
asal saja aku diberi
ketenangan hati.

aku tak gundah
diri dikhianati hati disakiti
moga dosa dan daki
hari-hari semalam diampuni.

aku tak bantah
untuk memikul takdir ini
walau pun sehingga aku mati
mungkin sudah suratan begini di azali.


- emzack. 1208 am. 070206. bs.

Tak Pernah Aku.

tak pernah aku merayu
sesiapa datang ke dalam hidup ku
kerna aku tak punya barang sesuatu
emas, nama atau darjat tak aku mampu.

tak pernah aku menahan
sesiapa yang pergi meninggalkan
kerna aku tak punya sebarang alasan
selain malu dan segan dengan kekurangan.

sedari kecil sudah sendiri
memamah hati memendam iri
dunia mungkin sudah tak membawa erti
harap-harap tiada derita lagi
sesudah aku mati.


- emzack. 1202 am. 070206. bs.

When The World Is Tumbling and Falling.

the past few weeks has been very difficult. and honestly i don't see things are going to change in the near future. still no lite at the end of the tunnel.

but life must go on. and somehow i find my schedules very hectic with a lot of things that needs my attention and action. even to visit my mom pun i only managed to do it once last Friday nite. office works need to be attended to. especially my colleagues depend on me. if i don't perform most likely their performance rating would be affected one way or another. and my kids, they still need my attention. especially my 4 1/2 years old third son. he must have a difficult time of his life which is why he is a bit naughty and agressively lately. last nite i told my wife to understand him a bit better. he used to be the youngest member in the family who got all the attention and love. and all of sudden with the arrival of his younger brother all of it changed. he is probably wonder why he suddenly did not get all the attentions that he used to but his younger brother. alas he is very patient with his little bro in terms of physical reaction tho he did pinch his lil bro ears sometimes and not sharing his toys with him but ultimately he will when i or his mom asked him to. i know how he feel. i lived that life before. my wife is not well at the moment and i have to do things that she used to do. there i was in the kitchen as a cook. good for me. at last a push that make me do my own old wishes.

there are so many things to do. and my head is simply kennot think straight at the moment. i am lucky that all the things that i did so far have not gone far off then the mark. so far no silly accident eithet at home or outside. i guess probably i did everything slowly without rushing them. no matter how many the list of things to do, i tried to do them one by one on my own best possible time and effort. and then pray everything would be turned ok.

and after a long day, i am looking forward to spend time on my own. alone in bed with a pda and my recently bought poems collection book.

and one thing that i have to sacrificed is my time to do my planned exercised. what to do. it has to be put aside for a while until i can manage everything well and plan my schedule again.

i heard a saying that keep urself busy to forgo the pain or the torrid mind. i used to believe in that statement but somehow this time around it doesn't work. every step of the ways i walk with my mind on that one subject. even in everythings i do. but still i can't figure what shud i do. the more i put a thot into it the more my mind become numb and number.

slowly i walk thru this storm. may my sanity keeping checked whenever i spend my time alone on my own before i closed my eyes. and when sleep is hard to come by there i was scribbling on my pda. as my youngest2 1/2 years son saying it "tekan, tekan, tekan ..." when he playing the games with it.

Old Wishes Became New Hobby.

it has been 2 weeks i have kept myself busy at the kitchen. slowly but steady. the keyword is 'Just Do It', if borrowed from Nike's campaign. or i wud simply said and told myself "antam saja lah Labu ..".

the one dish that i proudly smile once it was served on the table is Puding Roti Coklat. :) hehehehe. thanks to budak bulat or cik Yatt for your assistance. berjayo gak den buek mondo kegemaran den ni. i always like this dish. everytime i go to Concorde Hotel coffee house in Shah Alam i wud be having its puding roti. but its was baked. mine was prepared by 'kukus' or steaming. too bad i don have the oven. if only i have it .... macam2 roti akan aku bake! next time wanna try cik yatt's punya style plak. just for the sake of seeing and doing it differently. yes, i have to agree with cik yatt, it wud be puding roti agar2. the seken time i baked it, its get better. but next time, probably tonite, it will be better and perfect :)). touch wood! been trying to upload the pictures few time but somehow cudn't do it. something wrong with my koneksi kut.

a few other dishes i have prepared actually. started with sup ayam. then sup ikan. then mee sup served to my fren and his wife that coming over to my house. them macam2 jenis sup including sup daging either with halia or without. latest ujikaji was ikan tenggiri goreng halia. while fried it with 'minyak bijan' bau nya enak sekali. but like all the other dishes that i prepared, i never actually sit and enjoyed them. except for the puding roti off course. tu pun a few bites only. how they all taste? so far my kids not complaining but complimenting. tak tahu lah kut they all saja nak suck up their father :) ekekekeke.

the best part is just like my mottoo, i just 'antam aje'. the puding roti for example. i asked and checked on various recipe and method how to do it. got them jotted down but i left it at my office. then i went to my office to get the recipe. only to leave my office empty handed, forgot to take it. once sampai rumah i just get busy at the kitchen. it was almost 1 am. then i started with all the ingredients. based on what i cud remember. but somehow while i mixed the egg with the sugar than with marjerine with a pinch of salt i knew i forgot one major ingredients. while slowly i stirred the mixture i tried to recall what it is. bingo! it was vanilla essence! phew ... kalo tak ingat mampuih tak shedap puding roti tu :)). by almost 2 am everything was done. slowly i whisked myself to bedroom. it was time for another hobby.

later i'll see how to cook japanese style. this is my long wishes actually. somehow i kinda like the japanese dishes. probably because the way the prepare and serve them.

but before that i must master the local basic dishes. next stop is ayam or ikan goreng berlada. but this evening probably daging goreng lada hitam. macam makcik-makcik yang memasak kat rumah tu i have to go and shop for the ingredients. after lepak kat kedai mamak petang ni i probably have to go to the Giant. kalo ada makcik2 yang frenly kat situ nanti boleh la den ringan2 kan mulut tanya petua barang sepatah dua. yang tak best nya bila they all jawab "ntah la ... saya pun tak reti sangat nak buat nya ..." like what the kakak Kedai Tani tu jawab when i asked her what else need to be used for the mee sup. ampeh je ....

note : later i'll post the pictures of puding rotu coklat tu. i got the 'blender' ready at home. next picture of puding roti would be a lot better. this i guarantee.

- mz.

Aku Terima Takdir Ini.

bila hati di perkosa rasa kecewa
jiwa meronta berkeluh kesah
sedih tak terhingga
sesekali marah mencelah
bercampur baur bergelora di dalam dada.

inikah takdir dan nasib
inikah hasil usaha dan doa
ku cuba terima dengan redha
cuma ku pohon dari Nya
kuatkan iman tegarkan cita
amankan hati tenteramkan rasa
mengharung hari-hari sepi sendiri
memendam tangisan hiba tak berair mata
mengukir senyum dalam derita.


- emzack. 1249 am. 060206. monday. bs.

Masih Mimpi.

bersama malam ku gapai mimpi
untuk bertemu lagi sang bidadari
kembali menganyam ikrar dan janji
bersama setia memupuk pohon cinta sejati
mekar menyentuh pintu syurgawi
impian semua insani.


- emzack. 040206. 0305 am. bs.

Biarlah Sendiri.

kata-kata petah dibicara
senyum tawa penuh selamba
gerak langkah diayun bergaya
itulah seloka untuk pentas dunia.

siapalah yang tahu
sepi seorang perindu.

siapalah yang mampu mengubati
luka tercalar di dalam hati.

siapalah yang peduli.


- emzack. 040206. 0254 am. bs.

Kehilangan.

di atas meja
secangkir kopi sejuk terbiar
lampiran kertas terdampar kosong
pena terbaring kekeringan dakwat
suasana senja sepi seakan mati
penyair termangu kaku dan bisu
dupa cendana terpadam sudah.


- emzack. 040206. 0236 am. bs.

Lelaki Berdosa.

aku yang tak punya rupa
apatah lagi harta
hanya kata-kata
ditutur penuh makna.

sesekali aku terlupa
tanpa segan menagih cinta
bahkan tak memberi apa-apa
selain janji untuk setia.

kalaulah itu satu dosa
padanlah aku kecewa jua
sendirian beginikah selamanya
nasib seorang yang tiada apa.


- emzack. 040206. 0221 am. bs.

Hati Bersuara.

ingin aku membenci
agar dapat ku bunuh
rasa cinta ini
yang seringkali
menyebut nama nya
merindui senyum manis nya
mimpikan suara dan tawa nya
inginkan sentuhan lembut jemari nya
tapi masih tidak aku mampu
mengkhianati
suara hati.


- emzack. 310106. 0303 am. bs.

Untitled.

sungguh sukar hari-hari
yang aku lalui
pabila yang pergi
kekal bertakhta di hati.

sendirian
meratap rindu
mengeluh pilu
tiada tempat mengadu
tak siapa pun tahu.


- emzack. 310106. 0202 am. bs.

Wajah Siapa?

wajah siapakah yang kau nampak
pada mentari yang baru terbit
di kaki langit di pagi hari

wajah siapakah kau renung
pada bulan yang penuh
di puncak awan

wajah siapakah kau lihat
terlukis dengan butiran bintang
di dada langit malam

wajah siapakah yang bersemadi
di lubuk hati yang paling dalam
membuat kau tertawa
membuat kau berduka.


- emzack. 300106. 1221 am. bs.

This Sacred Place. Part II.

the log has gone
the beach has changed
and what's left only memories
that draw you closer
and near
tho u have gone
just like the log
swept away by the wave.


- emzack. 290106. 0126 pm. BS.

It Hurt So Bad

Doesn't matter what people said and done, doesn't matter what she said now, the truth and the bottom line is, i am left broken heart and it hurt so bad and so much and i am alone to enjoy the nasty feelings. all alone.

to be hurt by her is the last thing in my mind. of all the people, she know how hurt it is to be left broken heart, yet she dare to inflict the pain on me. to the person that till at this moment she say she love.

and deep down in my heart, something tell me she doesn't love me. no she does not.

love, is easy to be said. to live it, only a true love will last. true love will make both heart smile happier doesn't matter how bad and the difficult the situation is, coz they have each other. true love will make any other things become less important; whatever name they call it, whatever reasons they put it, whatever problems that crop up, true love will prevail.

to call a quit, it is not love. just something else ... you name it as you please.

emzack. 3 February 2006.