apdet ..

when i am driving to Giant last nite suddenly i realized i have yet to take any meals other than 2 pieces of green apple and a sandwich during the day. surprisingly i wasn't feeling hungry much.

the shopping was done quite quick as my son seems sleepy. when arrived home i immediately started to cook the sirloin steak. this time i added one additional ingredient to the sauce. the last time the steak tasted good. and this time it tasted even better.* :D

done everything around 11 something. took medication for flu and sleeping pill. not much time later i fall asleep only to awake around 3 am. shoot! luckily managed to resume sleeping without much hasle and to wake up early at 6 plus.

but somehow i am feeling sleepy today. plan to go somewhere for proper lunch today. last nite cudn't get the green apple. guess i have to sexclude Giant from my shopping place, been few times there lately but the green apple was nowhere to be found.

tonite i got some gathering at kl. most likely will be coming home late. but nevermind .. am already took leave for tomorrow :D.

so happy holiday to city boys and city gals.

.

* sorry. masuk lif tekan butang sendiri. :D

The Lonely Road Again ...

the antidepression pill seems working a bit. i am much more relax now. over time i think i would be much ok. am bizi'ing myself with office works. personal things for improvement i have yet to put 100% effort. insya'allah by today i will start it.

past few days am bizi'ing myself with personal business that involve me travelling to kl at nite. plan to come home early last nite but only reaching home at almost 1 am though was planning to tuck in sleep as early as 12 midnite. but rain delaying my fren from coming over. then the other fren also delaying the meeting time from 10 pm to 11 pm. thot wanna touch n go but ended up chatting a bit. then my wife sms "saya tengok abang letih semacam je. abang ada masalah ya? tapi walau macammana pun saya nak mintak RM... dari abang nak bayar ....". duh! on the way balik tu kene lak carik ATM machine ...

been skipping lunch for the past few days also. just having apple green. but tonite am planning to cook sirloin steak :D with salad and wholemeal bread. maybe will go shopping later for meats and vege and green apple. got to stock up for few days.

planning a trip to pharmaceutical for some sexotic supplement, probably by next week as well as a trip to book store. got to have another book for reading material.

other than that ... maybe next week i will planning a few trips to kl for office works. ultimate goal is to find alternative cheap loan. second objective is to meet outside people and got to widen my horizon.

the lady i met yesterday who will be formally single mother come this March warning me of against living separately. should learn from her sexperience she said. lonely life and kids will be the major victim. 'nanti makan tak terjaga and bla bla bla ..." but i told her .. 'i can cook for myself" :D. i can do all the household works myself. i am a very independent guy. been like that ever since i was small. but the most important thing is .. the ulterior motif. it must be pure and right things to do. i guess ...

.

the measure of man is how he weather the storm. would he come out good or bruising physically and mentally ...

Farewell. No. 2.

this is supposed to be the first farewell of the year. i did it couple of days after new year eve. the lady is supposed to get marry. they are supposed to get enggaged on the raya aidil adha. but the fate decided otherwise.

i have decided to focus more on myself this year. thus, tired of being there for her, listening to her problems and troubles after another, i have decided to cut her loose.

politely i told her that is over between her and i. she can put all her efforts in her relationship with the guy. nevermind about me. i will be able to collect the shattered hope and dreams and move on eventually.

somehow, she still wanna me around. ignoring her calls and sms didn't work as she came over to my house and waiting outside till i came out. finally i gave up. we still on.

but the next night she again lied to me. the day after i caught her and confronted her. again i insist on separating. but this devil pleaded and beg. refused to let me go. promised not to lie again and wanna change. again i gave in.

again i caught her lied to me. this time i decided this has been too far. i just can't have it anymore. and this time i will not say those goodbye or nice words. it is time to be nasty. be physical if need be. i will do everything to keep this devil away.

i wish i don't have to utter any horrible words. "gi mampus" and "sundal" are amongst the words hovering in my head. hopefully i can stay mum and maintain my silence and ignoring her.

like what i told one of my friend back then, 'how i was happy alone focusing on myself, before she came to my life'. i hope i would be able to do just that again ...

.

bought a dvd box for complete first season of "two and an half men" series. it was as tickle as i watch them on tv last time. other tv series such as 'angel' and bla bla bla can wait ... now i need the laughter.

this entry has been heavily censored and filtered. otherwise it gonna be 18sx or 18sg. **ck!

Touch By The Devil.

finally, i have to gave up. i agreed to re-take the anti depression pill prescribe by the doctor. have been trying not to, but things are out of hand at present. loosing sleep even after taking the sleeping pill? that is too much aint it?

wat will you do if you're being betrayed time after time? for the past few days my heart is full with the will to avenge. i am mad beyond words. but deep inside something whisper to me "let it be ..". let it go .. let it past. keep your heart pure. it's not worth it.

to be honest, if i take my revenge, the damages that i could inflict are unimaginable. someone's father cud die in shock. or someone's mother too.

but i will not let this devil turn me into one. i will try to keep my sanity, for the time being. the fights for good and bad inside of me will go on. but i am pretty sure i will not do the horrible things just yet. but doesn't mean i will be nice. something must be done as well. but it is for the right reason off course. to keep the devil away.

rather than wasting my energy and resources on this one, i will flow it to right use and purpose. that will be more productive and rewarding.

life is ours to live as what we want. we will get what we work for. and i don't have to put someone in misery just because i was subjected. that someone will get it by her own doing.

.

i am on leave today. dropping by to office to sign few documents. and am off. have a 'fabulous monday everyone. the monday blues is only in your preception :D

plan & execution

"kita mampu merancang
hanya Tuhan menentukan
tak perlu di kisah kan ....

jangan lah memburu
angin yang berlalu
kelak kau terima
jawapan yang kecundang "

demikian lah antara bait-bait dan rangkap-rangkap lagu yang pernah fofular satu ketika dulu ketika pak cik baru je abis SPM. *sapa dapat teka pak cik banjer makan cendol pulut ...*

pak cik hanya mampu merancang, dan seperti biasa pak cik cukup lemah dalam bab 'plan execution'.

semalam tak jog dan wat apa2 sexercise yang meletihkan. tapi manage to take my son si jubir ke klinik for his medication, been a week but his flu did not show any signs to go away. after that drove to kl for some business at danau kota. but an old fren contacted me thru sms than change the plan to see him. to make a dash turn into lepaking. only bt 12 something past midnite i drove back to shah alam.

then another business had to be settled in shah alam. by 2 plus at wee hour baru drive home. mandi2, gosok gigi, semayang, tgk citer '24' baru lah tido. didn't dare to take the sleeping pill coz it was quite late already and scared i cudn't wake up in time tomorrow to go to office. the interesting part is i didn't feel sleepy but somehow managed to sleep.

woke up around 8.30 am. not sure whether i get enuff sleep but at the moment am trying to send a message to my brain that i had enuff sleep and rest. hopefully i cud do a lot of works today. unlike yesterday which was about none ... :D

have a productive day everyone ...

am not allrite .... II

for the past few days, i have been loosing my sleeps. worst ... i haven't got proper sleep for the last couple of days. to be sexact ... been 48 hours without sleeping ... i simply can't sleep.

i am ok. sexcept for fatigue. hands a bit shaky. not worry about physical tho. am worry about my emotions. hope no one and nothing will over try me. not before i cud get to sleep tonite. planning to swallow sleeping pill by 12 pm tonite. and to sexhaust my body prior to that with jog, car wash and a fast trip to n fro kl.

let cross finger i will not sexplode and saying anything stupid before that ...

am not allrite ...

i got sore throat yesterday. then later in the evening my body feel aching. later on that nite, i cudn't sleep. i got running nose. somehow the disease is fast activate and attacking me. and here i am, drag and sticking my butt in the office*, feeling dizzy and sleepy coz of the medication that i took, aching and sore

how i wish i cud get to lay my head and drifting to slumberland ... owh ya .. i only managed to sleep almost 4 am last nite!

pas ni boleh balik jogging ka agak nya ...

.

*the doctor offer mc but cudn't take it. got few meetings schedule for the day. sighh ...

mohamad zackaria.

atas permintaan juera ... ni lah baby pak cik anak yg ke lima. dari bawah .. beberapa minit selepas beliau di lahirkan. gambar tengah ... ketika berumur 3 hari, d masuk kan semula ke hospital kerana jaundice. gambar teratas, ketika beliau di beri rawatan phototerapi.

he cried a lot now, nastier than his bros and sister. and we are having a tough times. it is really a test for me. tho i remember my mom story about me when i was a baby. i cried all the times till she can't handle it and my mak long has to come over to give her a hand. all the way from malacca to taiping ...

pleasant surprise.

today, there was a presentation on TQIP under our ISO 2000. it is basically a process where one must identify a problem be it a process or anything and analyse it and recommend the steps for improvement. Then an observation need to be done to monitor result and on-going improvement to be made accordingly.

the idea was kicked off in late 2006 as one of the things to be implemented under ISO. at last the things was finalised today.

the team under my units comprising of 3 members looks eager and sexciting about the presentation. the materials was prepared since last week.

i was a mentor. who headed the discussion when it was first started until all the remedies and solutions was agreed upon. all the datas and documentation was done by the group members. my counsel was also asked on the presentation materials which i duly gave especially advising on to anticipate the likely question from judges and floor members and be prepared accordingly.

at the end we came out as a winner. :D as a mentor i also got a cool RM500/-.

must work hard after this. hope it will be a prosperous year.

Bintang dan Bulan

bintang yang gah di langit
tak kan turun ke bumi
sesekali di air yang tenang
dapatlah kau menyentuh bayang nya.

mimpikan bulan
ingatlah bintang-bintang
dapat di pandang
tak kan dapat dipegang.

.

sorry. can't stay long. am running here and there since yesterday.

yesterday, have the opportunity to have a seat with a good looking girl. even my wife said she is. she even got 'tahi lalat' below her lips. eyes were round and big with good looking eyelashes. her nose not that sharp but still look innocently sweet. her lips are luscious. lets just stop here and not wandering to other part of her body, the chest or breast, hips, bla bla bla ..

as normal i checked her out just to satisfy my curiousity. her fingers looks ok, plain sharp. her legs part, can't check it out. i guess i am not that eager. thos we did spend close to 4 hours. last 2 hours my headache hit me.

time, i don't have time for this yet. got other priorities to focus on. girls can wait.

Sexclusion Clause.

in case if you haven't noticed, as stated on top of this Blog Title/Introduction, i am just a kabaret. who happen to walk this path that cross yours, either in real life or just in cyber. if there is anybody who look up to me for guidance and advice*, please be reminded that i am as lost and as clueless like you. or perhaps am in much worst scenario.

those stories, wordings, poems are all mine (unless otherwise stated) collected thru everyday life sexperience and learnings. but beeing seen thru my kabaret eyes. accordingly it could be as twistedly translated or narrated as my twisted life.

just sexercise utmost caution. parental guidance is recommended. and as stated in right top corner, please maintain safe distance.

this kabaret hereby claim sexclusion from any misadventures, accidents, misfortune whatsoever that may derive from any materials in this blog.

and dear readers, have a blast weekend! and have a great life!

.

* sorry. terperasan plak ekk?

conflict.

i have never fear a conflict. but i fear destructive conflict. whenever i am facing a conflict, i will try my best to turn it into constructive conflict.

ever noted sometimes we can't get the feedback that we wish for. the other party either keep it mum or shy away from saying anythings. but when they overcome with angry and frustration, only then everything will be thrashed out. pouring like a rain in tropical monsoon. most of the times it is rather a storm. lightning strikes. the sounds of it almost shake the earth. yelling and shouting. hurting words thrown uncautiously. but it is still ok, as it is the only time we could receive and hear the view and feedback.

it is ok to be differences. people do differ from one another. to recognize and accept people difference is respect. in fact that is what make it perfect. different sizes and ability of the five fingers make our hand work perfectly!

but a lifelong heavy storm will make us tired. shortlive our life!

Farewell. No 1.

yesterday i attended the last meeting of the CEO intercircle meeting, a whole day meeting held at subang. after the meeting some of us including the chief listener moved to the hotel lounge for drinking session. it lasted till 8 plus pm. it is ok with me since i have to bid farewell to them. i have been with them since July 2006.


this is my first farwell of the year. if everything works out, there would be a series of farewell to be done this year ...

Time.

i have realised long time ago
most of my time
was spend for others
till i have little time
for myself.

and that little time
was wasted
for non-productive things
such as
lie on the sofa and watching tv.

there were multiple
dvds & cds left untouched
books unread
articles and forms ignored.

my resolution
my time will be well utilised
if for others
i'll make sure
it will be noted
it will be appreciated
and the little time
for myself
will be equally utilised
for more productive things.

.

"books are only valuable when read"

Tanda Keihklasan.

bagai di sirami embun pagi
bagai di belai lembut angin gunung
bunga cinta ini
terus mekar dan mewangi
walau berkali-kali
diracuni oleh dusta dan khianat
hingga pohon nya sendiri
sudah hampir tersungkur rebah.

apdet ..

i forgot to mention that in my recent visit to hospital as normal i took the opportunity to place myself on the weight scale. the reading was 68 kg. obviously i lose weight. i was expecting around 70kg. i must have screwed up my diet. tho i intended to lose weight till 65 kg but i do wish to built some muscle plus some pec in the stomach area. tough ambition ehh? unfortunately, the tummy still there and muscles were not anywhere.

again, there was good article by Dr M. Rajen in the News Sunday Times last weekend about carbo diet. i must say that article is excellent for introduction of carbo diet for any stranger on the road. it is really about the control of carbo intakes which later our body converts into sugar whereby inactive body keeps that sugar into saturated fat.

the whole idea is not about fat or slim. but getting an healthy body and an healthy life. this is through controlling of what we take for our meals. the principal is reducing the the carbo and increase the rest of good meals such as meat, fish, vege, eggs and nuts. the good thing is one will feel full longer and lessen the urge to eat, in contradiction with having full plate of rice, we will feel hungry a couple of hour later. controlling carbo means controlling the sugar. the main major problem is actually cause by sugar such as diabetes.

enuff about this. am not good of talking about either. kindly read the article in the sunday NST :p

do yo know there are pills on the market today for contolling the carbo we take by not turning in into sugar? like those old days pills to control cholestrol.

.

i bought a few cd last week, new album of Mary J Blige, Dido, Shayne Ward and Muse. Overall comments, their previous albums are much better than the new one. however i am currently listening to Dido's cd most of the times while driving. it help me to drive slowly :D

i also bought a dvd of 'House' season 4 part 1. part 2 yet available. they are not screening on AXN yet. siok oo layan ...

Suatu Masa.

Buat sekian kali mata ini
merah dan pecah berkaca
airmata masih enggan tumpah
nestapa pun terus terpendam
di lubuk hati yang paling dalam
bersarang menjadi barah
parah meracun diri
yang sudah seakan mati.

.

"seribu tahun diulit mimpi ngeri
hingga sukar dibeza
antara mimpi dan realiti"

Salam Maal Hijrah 1429.

hujan yang turun saban malam
membuatkan aku terlupa
pada sang bulan.

sepi yang sekian lama mencengkam
membuat aku terlupa
perlunya teman.

sedih dan pilu sepanjang hayat
membuat aku buta
apa erti bahagia.

.

"demi masa
manusia sentiasa dalm rugi
melainkan mereka yang mengerti"

............

i was at the hospital this morning. my wife as well as our one month old son is due for medical check-up. tagged along is Jubir, our fourth kids, going to be 5 years old this year.

Jubir was a little bit talkative today. normally he would be shy to talk to strangers. but today he almost talk to everyone who sit near to his mother. making comment about their babies etc etc. it was a pleasant surprise even to her mother as well.

he was as usual very active wandering around on his own. once he tipped over and fall almost made a scary to those hospital's staff. as quick as lightning i was smiling while showing him the 'good' signal with my thumb. both thumb. and he quickly ran to me and smacked & bite me. this went on for a while as i keep showing him the thumb up and laughing at him. he definitely feel the pain from losing his face in front of the crowd.

my wife was saying that the kids and i are closed especially jubir. i don't know how much true is the statement. i leave that to time to record and tell the story.

at the moment, i am just trying to be with them when they needed me and doing my best to provide for them. as one was saying, the measure of a man is how he provide for his offspring. is it true?

.

"it is easy to love. u make a baby, have him/her born and start loving them. the difficult part is what we do after that"

Gurau Senda ..

ibai : ayah kat ner?
ayah : naper ibai?
ibai : kat sini* hujan lebat.
ayah : hujan di dalam hati saper yang tahu?
ibai : ayah kata apa? ibai tak paham lah.
ayah : tader per per. sini hujan lebat.
ibai : ayah kat ner?
ayah : ayah di dalam hujan. di landa angin kuat menderu-deru. sejuk sangat. tapi hati di dalam lebih terasa dingin.

.... silence ...

ibai : ayah, suraya nak henpon lama** tu.
ayah : boleh. kene bagi ayah RM100.
ibai : suraya kata tader duit.
ayah : suruh dia mintak duit ngan mama.
ibai : mama kata mama bukan keje cop duit.

* di sini = di rumah
** i bought ibai a new handphone since the old one that he used seems to have difficulty in using its keypad. the old one is being requested by suraya, my oldest kid and only daughter.

.

i was all smiling when i smsed those words to ibai, my second kid aka oldest son. he is 10 years old now. and am still smiling when it crossed my mind. am i teaching him to be a poet? after all his name i choosed in honour of the great poet from Pakistan; Muhammad Iqbal.

Turbulence Year ..

the last days of 2007 as well as this year so far has been a turbulence. times are tough physically and mentally. sexhausted. tired ...

a man is measured on how he handle the tough times. am not sure how i have fared tho. its tough to keep an honest and sincere heart. it is difficult to walk the line of being right or being cruel or kind.

this week everybody should have been back from holiday or new year things. so on career or office work ... everything shall be back to normal. delay or pending appointment and meetings shall be fixed. along with other regular stuffs .. i have decided for this year i will be out from the office regularly, meeting people, getting in touch with the business world hands on basis, etc etc ..

on personal, in time i will update. things are so twisted till i myself getting lost in the maze ..

.

life has never been easy
almost no one ever say it is
but for some
got brilliant smile on the face
for real
or for show?

apdet seciput ...

ari ni baru officially masuk opis. tu pun slamber rock masuk lewat dlm kol 10.45 pagi. padahal ada meeting kol seploh tu. tak berubah pak cik ni agak nya :)) huhuhuhu

malas betui nak wat keje. tgh sibuk sain dokumen kene panggey masuk meeting yang dah start kol seploh tu. mula2 kene komen pasal rambut pak cik. pak cik ber'rambut' tegak2 skrg ni :D tsk tsk tsk. ramai gak yang jeles. meeting lak terbabas lebeh dari kol 12.30 tengahari. nak gak tanya bos tu ... "en. ni agama apa? tak gi semayang ke?" :D tsk tsk tsk *macam brutal la plak ...

belah petang wat appraisal laks utk staff, org lain sumer dah hantar ... :D *better late than never*

till next time ..

Hepi New Year! Wellcome 2008

samat tahun baru sumer. moga tahun baru lebih menceriakan .. dan tima kasih pada sumer yang mengucapkan slamat tawon baru pada pak cik.

i lost count how many days i don't have any access to internet connection. my email got 113 unread messages. personal one. the office's email? not sure tho ..

i was at our hometown in malacca, my sister wedding reception was held there. i thot it should be small reception but it looks like as big one tho. i was busy pre & pro the reception. well you know how typical malay wedding reception is ..

everything in this world have it pro & contra. got their own price to pay. with my sister married, she definitely will move to her own house. leaving my other sister to remain staying with my parents. things will have to change a bit.

my brother in law is also engaged last weekend and due to marry this coming may. he is past 40s. and how glad is my mom-in law when the last of his kids finally getting married. my bro-in law is currently staying with my mom-in law. it was said that he will be staying at seremban leaving my mom-in law all alone. looks like it unless something new crop up. i guess everyone is start thinking about that now.

back to new year .. i have yet to draw any resolution and planning for 2008 be it on personal account nor office work. definitely i have to. soon or later ... although i am a bit sceptical about it! :D

life goes on. rain or shine clock will tick. i hope i would be able to make some good this year. but it all depend on what i do. got to re-look at some new year resolution and planning scacth i did before raya haji when i did the 2007's reflection.

again .. epi new year all!

.

they say
everything will have to end
and nothing is to last forever
well tell that
to the homeless guy sleeping by the roadside
he will show his lost limbs
before asking
"when will my misery end?"