Retro : The Origin.

yang sebenar nya, semasa pak cik mula-mula letak tajuk retro ini, pak cik hendak menulis tentang perkara lain. tapi lain pulak yang tertulis. mungkin di sebabkan sukar untuk melahirkan apa yang terbuku di hati dan apa yang terlintas di minda, akhirnya tertulis lah blog Retro yang berbahagian2 di bawah.

kali ini biar pak cik cuba sekali lagi.

sebenarnya pak cik mendengar lagu-lagu lama. antaranya lagu Zaiton Sameon 'Berendam Air Mata', lagu Iklim 'Hakikat Sebuah Cinta' dan lagu Duran-Duran 'Come Undone'. seronok plak dengar lagu-lagu lama ini untuk melayan perasaan. lirik lagu-lagu lama yang pak cik dengar ini memang sebijik-sebijik terkena batang hidung atau pun menusuk kalbu. jadi nya seronok lah pak cik melayan hati yang lara.

Lirik lagu 'Berendam Air mata' :

Biar apa yang kau katakan

terhadap diriku ini

namun ku kan tetap bersabar

menelan pahitnya

sebelum kau kenal

hati nurani ku

awaslah kata mu

andainya

kau dpt menyelami hati ku

pasti kau tahu betapa pedihnya

hidupku sering berendam air mata

sejak cintaku hancur dan musnah

sepiku bersalut rindu

tak siapa yang peduli

di sini ku masih berdiri

merawat perasaan

isteri pak cik pun tidak senang duduk bila tengok pak cik layan perasaan dengar lagu-lagu jiwang ini. "alahai sedihnya saya tengok awak. pergi lah pujuk dia balik. saya redha kalau itu yang buat awak bahagia" dia cakap. bukan sekali dua isteri pak cik cakap macam itu. samada dia ikhlas atau tidak, biar lah Tuhan sahaja yang menentukan. cuma pak cik buat dengar tidak dengar sahaja. bukan dia tahu pun apa sebenar nya yang bersarang dalam hati dan kotak pikiran pak cik ni. putus cinta bukan lah masalah pokok nya.

sebelum nya bila pak cik beritahu isteri pak cik, pak cik bercinta ini kerana Tuhan*. mula-mula dia senyap, lama-lama dia bersuara lah juga dengan nada dan perkataan yang mencerminkan dia macam tidak percaya. pak cik tak salah kan dia. bila pak cik beritahu perkara yang sama pada bekas kekasih, dia pun sama macam percaya dengan tidak percaya. pak cik pun tak kisah sebenarnya. bagi pak cik ini urusan pak cik dengan Tuhan. Dia Maha Mengetahui.

ada ketika nya pak cik rasa pak cik ni cerdik orang nya. cuma malas sahaja. akan tetapi dalam soal kehidupan ini, pak cik cukup sedar pak cik tak tahu apa-apa pun. semua keputusan di buat berdasarkan fakta-fakta dan apa yang pak cik rasa. mungkin sebenarnya ada fakta-fakta dan perkara lain yang pak cik tidak tahu dan tidak sedar. sebab itu pak cik selalu berdoa di tunjuk kan jalan yang betul. walaupun mungkin niat pak cik dah betul, tapi betulkah tindakan yang pak cik ambil?

pak cik pun tidak mahu berkisah panjang lebar pasal masalah cinta yang putus ini. sebab pak cik pernah berjanji pada diri sendiri, sekiranya cinta ini putus di tengah jalan, pak cik tak akan sesekali membicarakan nya di blog ini atau di tempat lain sebagaimana yang pernah pak cik buat dahulu. hendak membicarakan nya dengan orang lain pun jauh sekali. pak cik tiada teman untuk meluahkan perasaan. sendiri merajuk pun sendiri yang pujuk.

katalah niat pak cik itu betul, pak cik tak merasakan itu lah cinta teragung yang perlu pak cik tangisi dan meratap. pak cik sedar cinta sesama manusia ini apa lah sangat jika cinta pada Tuhan dan Rasul tidak sampai ke mana. bolehkah kita mengagung-agungkan cinta kita lah yang paling sejati, paling murni, paling suci dah gah sekali sedangkan sembahyang lima kali sehari pun tak cukup, amal fardhu yang lain pun entah ke mana, yang sunat apatah lagi. yang paling menggusarkan cukupkah apa yang kita amalkan sebagai bukti cinta pada agama? justeru itu sekiranya cinta sesama insan kita gagal, tak malukah kita untuk meratap dan bersedih? tidak malukah kita sehingga kita buat perkara-perkara yang merosakkan diri sendiri?

masih pak cik ingat dengan jelas, ketika pak cik di asrama dahulu, ketika pak cik cuba-cuba untuk khusyuk dalam mengerjakan semayang yang akhirnya pak cik tidak berjaya, rakan di sebelah pula sedang sembahyang dengan air mata yang bercucuran dan teresak-esak. malu sekejap pak cik. ketika pak cik sibuk bermain-main dan berborak-borak dengan rakan-rakan yang lain di asrama membuang masa, ada terdapat rakan-rakan sedang menghafal surah yasin dan surah-surah yang lain. sedang pak cik tido di tengah malam dalam bulan puasa, ada rakan-rakan yang lain berqiamul-lail di masjid dan membaca al-quran di masjid secara relahati tanpa di suruh-suruh dan di paksa-paksa.

sebab itu lah sedih macam mana pun, terpaksa lah pak cik teruskan berjalan meneruskan kehidupan. ada tanggungjawab kepada isteri dan anak-anak, kepada mak dan ayah dan ahli keluarga yang lain, kepada rakan-rakan sekerja, kepada syarikat pak cik bekerja dan yang lain-lain nya yang perlu pak cik lunaskan. dan tanggungjawab yang paling penting adalah untuk terus mencuba menjadi hamba nya yang soleh.

perasaan yang tak betul ini pak cik layan-layan kan dengan pelbagai cara. hendak mengadu pada orang lain, pak cik tiada tempat mengadu. untuk memujuk hati sendiri, terpaksa lah pak cik dengar lagu-lagu jiwang atau pun lagu-lagu yang pak cik minat, menulis puisi, layan cerita komedi, layan saluran Arab dalam Astro dan macam-macam lagi. ini cara yang 'lagho'. cara yang elok sedikit, pak cik baca lah quran, selepas maghrib selalunya, cukup-cukupkan semayang lima waktu, banyak-banyakkan berdoa, layankan anak-anak pak cik punya kerenah, cuba berbuat baik dan berniat baik sepanjang waktu dan ketika. selebih nya pak cik bertawakal, berserah kepadaNya. moga perkara yang baik akan lahir dari semua ini.

pernah pak cik berjanji, sekiranya cinta ini musnah, pak cik akan menukarkan diri samada menjadi jantan kabaret yang jati dan sempurna atau pun menjadi insan kamil. jalan-jalan yang akan pak cik lalui di masa akan datang ini, tindakan-tindakan dan keputusan yang akan pak cik ambil, akhirnya akan menentukan diri yang mana satu yang pak cik akan jadi. terpulang lah pada takdir pak cik.

sedih itu memang lah bukan nya elok sangat. tapi ada juga yang baik terhasil darinya. walaupun pak cik tak cukup tidur, pak cik sekarang ini boleh pula bangun awal pagi, dan yang hairan nya pak cik boleh bangun sendiri tanpa di gerak kan macam dulu. mungkin sebab pak cik tidur tak lena dan tidur ayam sahaja. perut pak cik pun dah kempis sedikit sebab tidak berapa selera hendak makan. kunun-kunun nya diet. tapi makan asap rokok tu laju sahaja.

memang betul hati pak cik tak berapa tenang sekarang ini. asyik hendak marah-marah sahaja. muka monyok. senyum pun kurang. hati sedih dan fikiran pun kusut. tapi masalah putus cinta bukan lah sesatu faktor pencetus nya. banyak lagi masalah-masalah lain. masalah karier, masalah orang tua yang uzur dan kurang sihat, pelbagai masalah di tempat kerja dan yang paling membebankan adalah masalah untuk merubah diri kepada yang lebih baik dari segi kesihatan, fizikal, kebendaan dan juga rohaniah.

itu lah dia masalah nya yang sebenar. untuk bekas kekasih hati, pak cik sudah mencuba yang terbaik. mungkin masih belum cukup baik kerana itu ia nya musnah. apatah lagi yang dapat pak cik lakukan? sedang itu lah yang terbaik yang pak cik dapat lakukan berdasarkan kemampuan pak cik. terpaksa lah pak cik redha dan biarkan yang berlalu biarlah berlalu.

sekarang ini pak cik lebih fikirkan untuk mencapai impian pak cik. melunaskan janji-janji pak cik. menunaikan tanggung jawab pada orang sekeliling. mungkin pak cik terlebih memberi tekanan kepada diri sendiri. entah la.

hidup ini adalah perjuangan antara berbuat perkara baik dan jahat. apa yang terjadi di kemudian hari .. terpulang lah kepada masa dan keadaan. pak cik pun sendirian sahaja berjuang. memang hendak berbicara sangat dengan mak dan ayah, tapi lidah cukup kelu. hendak juga berbicara dengan isteri, tapi itu lah, mungkin sebab sudah sekian lama terdapat jurang komunikasi. teman berbicara? entah la.

mungkin elok juga pak cik sendirian sahaja. tiada lah yang terluka nanti. terpaksa lah pak cik menjaga tingkah laku dan budi bicara agar pak cik tak rapat dengan sesiapa dan tiada sesiapa yang rapat dengan pak cik. kalau terpaksa buat bodoh tu ... terpaksa lah buat bodoh. walau secantik mana pun bidadari yang datang menghampiri. tinggikan hidung yang tak mancung, layangkan ego ke langit, awasi lidah dan usah terlalu manis menutur kata, inilah yang pak cik lakukan sekarang. walau pun itu juga yang membuat pak cik sedih. terpaksa ... selagi impian dan janji belum tercapai, sebelum tanggungjawab terlunas kesemuanya.

.

* mintak maaf kalau ada sesiapa yang termuntah darah membaca baris ini.

** mintak maaf juga jika ada yang tersinggung dengan mana-mana bahagian penulisan di atas.

*** pak cik cuba menggayakan bahasa melayu baku untuk tajuk ini.

**** sekarang pak cik dah kurang dengar lagu jeton sameon dan yang sewaktu dengan nya. pak cik dengar lagu2 slow asyik masyuk arab :D. syiok woooo.

Retro - Heppi Bezday!

21 haribulan ari tu adalah bezday anak pak cik yang no. 3 si a'id. ulangtahun ke 6. pak cik lupa sebenarnya. sib baik ada tulis dalam pda. kebetulan ari tu pak cik meeting kat luar satu ari. lepas meeting tu depa ajak pi 'yamseng' kat The Curve, terpaksa lah pak cik passed aje without hesitation. no two way about it.

oleh kerana tak sempat nak beli kek bawak balik umah mcm selalu, malam tu terpaksa la kuar. kira nya dining out la mlm tu. makan kat pizza hut. sesambil tunggu order, pak cik ngan anak pak cik tu gi la beli kek. pak cik beli kek yang dia pilih, on my advice off course :D.

bila staff pizza hut tu tau anak pak cik nya bezday ari tu, depa bagi lak aiskrim untuk si a'id. a scooped of icecream serves on a big round shape of marinated biscuit kut. sonok la dia.

oleh kerana sumer dah kenyang, kek bezday tu hanya di putung pada esok malam.

.

Tag ooooOOOOO Tag.

ha .. ni dia dak ayumi desktop pak cik. tu gambo bmw e46 modified version. tapi bukan kete pak cik :D angan2 jek nak beli satu. tapi upper version skit. insya'allah kalo di idzinkan Tuhan, d murahkan rezeki.

ni ler pes taim pak cik kene tag. sib baik tak kene tag pasal 'prasaan d tinggalkan'. kalo tak ... pak cik tulis pepanjang mcm novel lak ;)) huhuhuhu.

.

a lonely evening.

as fate decided, i went to JJ Bkt Raja alone last evening. after maghrib i departed from my office. main task is to surrender my wife's old henpon, a samsung model, that was traded in the other day earlier. can't let it off then as my wife need to transfer some of her contacts details and other info. my task is to transfer the pictures inside it. one thing that left me swearing is i cant transfer the video file. been asking around and looking in samsung website .. memang tak bleh. so with heaviest heart i deleted the video files inside it. the video include two most precious ones, first jubir's being playful and wandering around at sjmc when he was admitted there and second on myself being playful with my kids on PD's beach when the sun is setting in.

masa bagi henpon kat towkey kedai tu pun satu citer lagi. skit lagi pak cik nak ngamuk. task no 2 is about the washing machine bought couple of days earlier. tu pun skit lagi pak cik nak ngamuk. sudah nya ari ni kene gi sana balik. ptg semalam memang mood tak baik. sib baik bleh bersabor lagi. tapi dah rasa dah ... dlm tu tunggu nak meletop jek. elok gak la pak cik gi sensorang jek.

task no 3 .. pak cik nak beli kurma ngan kismis. tapi dpt esEMes yang maklong dtg dari kampung melawat ayah. my dad's is not well now. he is scheduled for surgery in June this year. sementara tu dok umah dulu. tapi kene gi routine check kat sepital. skrg ni plak ayah kene demam flu lak. pak cik pun tergesa2 pulang. lupa terus task no 3 ni.

memang betul kepala dah kusut ... on the way tu pun terlajak sana sini. ampeh je. sampai umah mak ayah dah kol 10 kut. mak long dah balik lak. tak sempat nak jumpa. pak cik lelepak dulu. these past few weeks pak cik ghasa windu jek kat mak ayah. ntah naper ntah. padahal selang baper hari dah gi dah. ngan depa pak cik tak banyak bual2. 'ada emas intan berlian dalam mulut' mak pak cik cakap kat pak cik. 'takut sangat emas intan berlian tu jatuh' mak tambah lagi. :)) ekekeke. nak wat mcm mana? dah dari azali mcm tu. tapi bagi pak cik ... dpt salam2 tangan and tengok muka depa pun cukup la. pak cik ingat nak lelap kejap. tak bleh lelap plak. dekat kol 11 baru balik umah.

sampai umah ada org bukak pintu. tapi pintu gril tak di buka nya. pak cik dah agak dah saper yang bukak pintu tu. bila pak cik masuk umah konpem ... anak pak cik yang kecik yang bukak pintu tadi. gril tu dia tak dpt capai kunci nya ... jadi dia tak leh nak buka. tak tetido nya lagi dia. sibuk dok tengok citer kartun Tom & Jerry. worang lain sumer dah tido. pak cik pun layan la dia kejap seblom naik ke atas untuk mandi dan sebagai nya.

bila pak cik turun balik ... dia dah lelap. pak cik pun layan jap hitz.tv. pas tu suwuh hitz.tv layan pak cik sesambil pak cik nak lelap ...

.

ESTRANGED.

after finishing my diploma, i got a temporary job at one of the telco. and was assigned to JB. there i was stationed for a month. the company did offer a permanent job for me. but i was not interested as i want to further my study for a degree. i only interested to take it up with sekolah tinggi mara. prospect of going overseas was never sexciting to me tho most of my frens did.

so determine to resume my study, i have to say no to my my ex's request to get marry when she put up that proposal during the last semester of our diploma course. she shed her tears at that time and deep in my heart i know something will go wrong. but that didn't change anything for me. so when am about to enroll for my degree course my ex did a disappearance act. she can't be contacted at all. even her sister can't assist me. somehow i managed to locate her and then she said the ultimate farewell, which i have been expecting for so long to happen. i tot i prepared for it but i was wrong. my world tumbling down from there on.

i can't concentrate on my study. worst is i can't even do well in my favourite subjects; accountings. and it was very frustrating. i almost failed thrice for a statistic paper which i got zero flat on my first sitting. which is if i did, sure kene kick out from the course. the strategy then was to graduate on time. doesn't matter if i can't do well but i must graduate on time. i was just study to get the pass marks. it was hell of a time. a dark 3 years period.

a couple of things that console me, first; a closed fren and a bunch of housemates that we all clicked together. a closed fren is from the same course and he also faced tough time in study. the rest of the housemates are from engineering school but we share common interest in computer & video games as well as nites outing. second was GnR albums of "Use Your Illusions I & II' which i listened to almost all the times using a borrowed walkman. even that cassettes i borrowed from my housemate. and the most favourite song is 'Estranged". got that word engraved on a few pendants that i wore either one all the times.

i managed to graduate on time but with unflying colours of course. but i was thankful. it was time to start new.

and here i am again, awaiting the right time to start new all over, again.

.

give me my racing car!

one good news for the march is the F1 and motogp kicked off in the month. as at now, two motgp races done while FI just one.

my interest in motogp is just to watch valentino rossi. he is mad on the corner. while for F1, this year mat sumatke no more there. definitely less sexciting for me. nonetheless, the exiting racer lineup quite interesting to watch.

as for this year i expect Ferrari should be running away with the title. reason being they were beaten in previous years by michelin and not by the speed of the other cars. even for last years, reliability issue that hit hard on mat sumatke killed off his chances of winning. bear in mind ... narrowly beaten. and in the last race of his life, he drove superbly memorably as a legend. but definitely the emotionless kimi raikonen and error prone felipe massa must deliver.

apart from that, it will be sexciting to see how BMW Sauber Petronas performing. this year they will make most impression. hopefully matching the silver mclaren if not beating them. one thing that i really not comfortable with them is they look very novice in terms of race tactical. but love to see heidfeld and kubica to stamp their skills in the improve bmw cars.

as for lewis hamilton ... hopefully he will perform to the hype about him. and alonso ... i have no respect for the guy. am so sorry .. no respect as well for the mclaren. their nose are so high above the clouds! i hope and pray they will not win any of the championship either the driver or the manufacturer.

god!!! sometimes how i miss to drive fast on the highway or doing the zig zag in KL. accelerating and leaving the other dumb head behind the wheels eating smoke!

i need a 'kete lumba'! :( :(

.

What if ....

i love ornamental fish. love to watch them gracefully swimming in the water. the fish i like the most is arowana or kelisa. used to frequent all the ornamental fish shops in klang valley that my crime in partner and myself heard there were beautiful arowana on display or for sales. i even ventured into the arowana trading once. as a result i have to travel to batu pahat, the biggest company selling ornamental fish especially arowana in malaysia located there. i know all types of arowana fish. the most fancy one. the most exotic one. used to have them also (kept the not so fancy one. the fancy is for sales). even gave one to my mom's. off course got to give them a nice and expensive aquarium also. but make no mistake. i do not fancy 'kelisa' car.

i am a loner. at least that what i think. sometimes i love being alone. spending time on my own alone. like driving slowly and peacefully while listening to my playlist loudly. most of the times my mind will wandering doing thinking and even dreaming. most of the times i keep my thot and my dreams to myself. but make no mistake. i hate the feeling of being lonely.

but what if that exactly being meant for me?

.

A Peek Over A Not So Balanced Diet.

yesterday morning before i left home, i drank a plain water to swallow a vitamin pill. then sipped an half mug of nescafee.

after took my wife to her school and before heading to my office, i drop by at mamak restaurant for breakfast, another glass of nescafee and 3 boil of eggs, with the yolks i scooped off. having them while reading The Star that i bought earlier with a bottle of milk to be consumed at office.

at office i took a piece of banana that i brought from home. i forgot there is another piece.

for lunch i had a piece fried chicken, a piece of cucur udang and a slice of papaya.

for dinner that i normally had at home around 6pm plus, yesterday my wife cooked a fried chicken, a fried keli and kuey tiaw. but i only had a piece of fried chicken (drum stick off course), half fried keli and two pieces of karipap that my wife bought earlier. normally i only had a fried egg with a slice of wholemeal bread.

before i went to sleep last nite only then it occur to me that i didn't have a proper intake of carbohidrate for the day. but nevermind i guess since i didn't engaged myself in hardworks for the day.

i realized i really need to overdo my menu and my diets. tapi tu nanti lah ... tader masa nak pikir la skrg. kusut la sekarang ni .... :(

.

Buring Den!!!

usia perkahwenan pak cik dah melepasi sedekad. secara tidak langsung segala peralatan dalam rumah pung lebey kurang mcm tu lah juga umur nya.

jadi bila ada jek barang2 rumah tu yang rosak, pak cik bising2, bini pak cik pun jawab la "dah sepuluh tawon, sampai dah umur dia nak rosak!" pak cik diam jekk. malas nak pepanjang kan.

kalo wat list barang2 yang rosak campur ngan barang2 lain yang nak di beli umak aiii ... bleh tahan panjang nya ....

1) vacuum - abih tak leh nak sedut menyedut dah. blom lagi berganti. masih tersimpan setelah operasi pembedahan untuk membaik pulihnya oleh pak cik gagal.

2) peti ais - satu pintu. freezer yang belah atas tu dia nya frosty dah melampau. kemudian dia akan cair sendirik. abih banjir. yang tak besh nya menitik2 ke bahagian bawah fridge tu. abih barang kat bawah tu ... susu, coklat, sayur2an, memacam lagi la. status - dah d beli yang baru. dua pintu nya lak. harap2 leh tahan lama. yang lama blom lagi di buwang.

3) washing machine - baru tadik dia kong! bini pak cik forwardkan es em es our baby sitter "ucu .. mesin basuh tak leh nak spin. nak wat mcm mana?" pak cik tak dpt nak jawab so pak cik senyap je lah. status ... tadi dah gi beli baru nya mesin kat JJ. lepas satu minggu baru dpt.

4) tv - jenama sony. ari tu dah rosak dan dah d repair. terbang RM250/-. ni gambar dia dah ilang balik. tapi sore nyer ader. status - pak cik blom kesempatan nak belek2 n selak peti telibesyen ni. rasanya leh la di buwang kut. nak beli baru? ntah la ... pakai je la yang ader tu. kut beli baru kang pak cik gatal tangan lak nak pasang extension astro sambung naik tingkat atas. :D

5) sofa - pak cik baru bercadang2 nak beli sofa kulit yang baru. dah lama dah dok pikir. pikir dan pikir. ari tu siap gi tengok kat kilang "Fella Design" masa dier wat sales. leh tahan harga nya dan cantik2 la gak. tapi .... tu lah. dok pikir2 lagi. mcm la pak cik ada banyak duit dlm peti kayu ...

6) henpon ... henpon pak cik ngan bini pak cik dah kira nazak n ketinggalan zaman. henpon bini pak cik ada masalah nak charge. teknologi infra red nya dah tak relevant. susah wooo mau uplod kat pc pak cik yang tader infra red koneksi ni. belutut jek ada. henpon pak cik pun mcm dah problem jek. kejap2 dier bengong. vendor pun dok komplen pesal tak leh kol! status ... tadi dah beli henpon baru utk bini pak cik. kesian lak tengok dier asik problematik nak charge tipon dier. pak cik nya henpon jek blom berganti2. masih dok pikir2 ni. pikir dan pikir ....

7) set hi fi? x yah la kut. kang bising kang mengamuk la jiran seblah rumah pak cik. silap2 dia tipon pulis lak kang. kuat mereport dier tu ...

apa lagi ehh? cukup lah tu. ni pon dah terkopak2 wallet pak cik ni. lagi tengah dok pikir mana nak korek carik wang. nak rompak bank pun pak cik cuma ada pistol 'glock' ngan raifel AK-47 yang imitation jek. peluru bebola plestik jek. muka pak cik pun dah mcm gambar kucen tu kut ... kusut jekkkk ... nak buwang barang2 rusak pun kene pakai duit gak! kene panggey kompeni yang hendel pembuwangan barang tu. alam flora tak larat nak kutip!

sabo je lah kan. bawak2 mengucap ...

.

Poster Poster Poster.

last weekend pak cik singgah kat outlet jual barang2 gym. pak cik beli 'talipinggang'. mahal gak ... kopak wallet pak cik yang memang dah terkopak ni.

sesambil tu pak cik timbang la berat guna weight scale yang depa dok jual tu. opocot! tokojut den! berat pak cik 65 kg?! biar betui ni ... pak cik kureng percaya ...

pas tu anak pak pak cik si a'id lak timbang diri dia. pak cik tengok berat dia 20 kg jek. pas dier turun ... pak cik timbang berat pak cik skalik lagi. kali ni mesin tu tunjuk 70 kg lak ... ntah apa2. sebab ni la pak cik malas nak timbang sebenarnya ...

anyway ... saper tau gamba kat sini ni gamba saper ... meh pak cik banjer makan char kuey tiaw kat kramat. *konpem tader saper tau*. tu ler salah satu gadis idola pak cik :D.

sebenar nya ... selain arnord schwarzenegger yang menjadi idola ... pempuan2 yang perut nya kempis mempis pun menjadi motivator gak. kalo dier yang femfuan leh jaga body ... pak cik pun mesti bleh gak kan ... kan kan? lagi pun tak leh la letak gamba jantan jek kat sini. kang ader lak yang chop pak cik ni gay plak. danjerez woooo ....

.

bila guna "save as draft" function ni jadik tunggang langgang lak posting pak cik. patut nya draft copy to bila di publish kan guna la publish date. ini dia guna draft date tu. upside down lah jadi nya posting ni. dok carik2 mcm mana nak edit date tu tak jumpa lak.

lenkali kene save kat tempat lain dulu aaaaaa.

pe pe hal ... posting bertarikh 20/3/07 di bawah adalah posting yang baru. sepatutnya bertarikh hari ini ....

A Moment Please.

i am sorry if my posting sounds sad or sorrow. but perhaps it is how i feel at the moment. but never i regret or sorry of what happened. never i will hate this sod feeling.

like GnR song ... even november rain would not last forever. in fact this sorrow will teach me the meaning of happiness. bad & good, black & white are created by Him with a purpose.

i treasure this whatever feelings while continue praying to Him to show me the right thing to do and the right path that i should take. if ever i mistakenly take the wrong path or have a bad fall, i pray to Him to give me strength to correct the err and to stand up and continue walking. life is a struggle between good and bad. may He continue to let his passion bless my journey.

perhaps there is storm brewing still in my heart but still i am smiling. at least for the people around me.

:D

.

Retro : Getting Fat & Loosing Fat.

i was very skinny when i started to work back in 1994. i was wearing pants with weist of 29" and my weight was just 55 kg. checking with BMI i was slightly below the ideal weight. numerous attempt to add weight failed. the problem is i don't have much appetite to eat. if i try to eat a lot then i will vommit.

when i was a kid i eat a lot since i was a very active child. having meals cooked by my mom i will definitely stop only after 2 plates of rices. staying at boarding school i kinda maintain my weight which is just fine.

the problem only started when i finished SPM exam and staying at home. my mom no longer cooks but my big sister. i would have to say her cooks doesnt fit to my throat. i started to loose weight ever since.

then after a while the idea came to go to gym after reading some of the magazine. before that i already started to buy bodyweight magazine everymonth ranging from 'Musclemag', 'Flex' and such other various mags.

after a while in the gym i gain my appetite and able to eat more. thus i gain weight. managed to add my weight to 70kg and maintain it ever since. my weist about 30".

after getting married my eating habits doesn't change much. thus my weist line kinda maintain. so is my weight. but over the years, unavoidable since i did not continue my exercise, my weight raised gradually and steadily more than 70kg & my weist grew to 32".

the serious problem of waist line and weight started when i started to roam at nights and lepaking with my frens until wee hour. due to we got nothing else to do other than minum2 & makan2. without me noticing i was actually gain weight. i only noted the problem when i had gastric problem during the fasting month. later on i had a problem similar to stomach ulcer. there i was getting a fierce lecture from the doctor "you must take your meals on time, not irregular time. otherwise this ulcer problem will be more painful than the women's menstruation pain!" she said. like i know or ever experience the women's monthly pain :p.

like a knock to the head i started to open my eyes on diet things. i read a lot of write up on it either in the newspaper, men magazines, women magazine etc etc. also inquire the doctor about it whenever i have the opportunity.

the breakthrough came in last year fasting month. i only eat little for 'berbuka' before went straight for sunset prayer then went to the mosque for tarawih and isya' prayer. due to the hectic schedule or tiring, i am not able to eat much later on which i normally do in the past years. while sahur i also eat a little. sometime just a piece of kurma. after a while i lost 4 kgs. few days after raya i had the opportunity to listen to a talk by a dieticient. he urge us to go for 'natural foods' or 'stone age meal' that is avoid the grains such as rice and wheat. which later i follow strictly. managed to get my weight reduce further.

however the weight laterally hanging at 73 kg level. it refuse to come down nor it went up regardless how little i eat and whether i do exercise or not. hectic works at the office and stress also didn't help much.

a few weeks ago i started back the crash diet. strictly no rice or bread. doesnt matter whether i managed to take a balanced meals or not, i refuse to take the rice and wheat. when i had the fever the doctor adviced me to take a little of grains. so i took the rice back after the whole 2 weeks surviving without it. just a few days off course till my health back on track. which later on i am back on my diet without the rice but this time i added a slice of wholemeal bread during my meals time.

last week out of nothing i tried out my old pair of jeans. to my surprise it fit without much hassle. i had a biggest smile on my face. my wife look at me with jealously :D. then i tried aou all the three pairs of jeans that i had kept. including one i wear when i am single. they are all fits! my waist line should now be at 32", reduced from 36". i have yet to weight myself to see what is the reading.

i am indeed much slimmer. and my office mates passed a lot of remarks "naper kurus sgt cik zamri, makan hati ekk?" asked MD's PA. "tak, rindu ...." i answered her.

the ultimate objective of the whole thing is to get myself fit. getting the fitness is the main prize. slim and muscle are just secondary prizes that come with it. thus it still a long way to go. my fitness without doubt is not in a good order. and smoking is greatly has to do with it. but quiting it is a mountain tall order. alas ... june is the target i should abandon this bad habit. hopefully i could achieve it much earlier.

another thing ... a new regime of exercise has to be formulated. bit harder and tougher from the current one. thus i need to buy that 'weightlifting belt' to protect my back. the one that i have currently is way too big. need to buy a proper one. hopefully after that i can start it.

another thing is to sculpt my stomach. getting a 6 pack is not an easy task. one word that hang in my head now is 'sculpture'. let see how it goes.

i have to stick Arnold Schwarzenegger picture somewhere to motivate me. that guy is really a genius. the picture above is him in his legendary pose. the similar pose he made in his first and legendary movie but with a sword ... 'Conan the Barbarian'. he is the most look up model for all generations of body builders and fitness freak peoples. he is focus, discipline and above all ... he is genius. otherwise he can't be married to one of the most infuential family in US and became the LA's governer!

note : MUST AVOID BULIMIA!

.

EnTah BiLa WakTuNya.

entah bila

malamkan pergi

menjemput pagi

.

entah bila

berakhir mimpi ngeri

hadir sejalur pelangi

.

words : by Sarimah Abu Bakar, April 1987. Di petik dari buku 'Sebuah Antologi Puisi RATIB 1000 SYAIR, gapena, 2005.

pic : Youth Innocence by DavidsDRK @ deviantart.com

...........................................................................................

pada malam-malam yang mata cukup sukar untuk lelap, buku syair di atas diusap dan dibelai. mengharapkan matakan terbuai asyik oleh bait-bait indah. perlahan-lahan akan terlena. walau untuk seketika.

.

Retro : Me, Myself & I.

a lil bit about myself. my background.

i was born in RSU Taiping, Perak on 16th August 1970. what is RSU? rumah sakit umum it is. what else Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah on that particular day. the one that i know of is Mat Kilau passed away on the same date. and who is Mat Kilau? find him in the tawarikh book.

when i was a baby i got nothing else to do other than crying. been crying all the time as my mom would say. till my parents had to asked my mak long, my mom's big sister to come from Malacca and babysit me. my mom addded that from i was a little, no one can touch my head otherwise i would definitely crying. which is very much true till now perhaps. but now instead of crying i would give a death stare if anyone touch my head without any business.

my parents came from Malacca. my mom's village just a few kilometres away from N9 border. and my dad's village a few kilometers away. at our hometown we speak using N9 dialect tho a bit different from the N9's one. and we are actually under adat perpateh and not adat temenggung. but we loosely practising them except for in the estate and will distributions where willingly or not we have to abide since even the relevant's government paperwork kinda put them in black & white.

i am from suku biduanda. the blood that runs thru my mom's side. when my grandmother passed away, the heritage house was passed to my mom. in the house there were two 'alat kebesaran' namely a gong and a tombak. there were two other 'alat kebesaran' being kept at my mak long house. whether there were another am not too sure. our clan basically entitled to take up the 'Penghulu' position for a place called Air Kuning. it is a closest small town in N9 to our hometown. there were one paricular day when my mom told us that the gong made a sound on its own the ealier wee hour as if someone had bang it. i definitley didn't hear a thing. there were only three of us staying in that house at that moment including my lil sister. apparently the current Penghulu of Air Kuning had passed away. kinda mystic? well ... there were a lot of mystical stories about the house, our ancestor and everything but i never pay serious attention to them. then my uncle, being the eldest son of my grandmom was offered the position but with one condition, he has to be domiciled or staying in N9. meaning he has to leave his herited house and land in our hometown in Malacca and find a new house to stay in N9. he passed the offer.

i can't remember anything about Taiping. but the early days of my life that i could remember mostly when we stay in Masjid Tanah, Melaka. at that time my dad was posting at Terendak Camp. i remember we stay in three different rented house. the first one kinda long house which probably coz of small and hi-density, we moved to our second rented house, a single kampung house. which later we moved to third rented house probably due to hazard. two possible things that i could think of ... first of me falling on the barbed fence from the papaya tree. i am trying to pluck the riped papaya and almost reach it when the tree fall down and bring me with it. a day after our neighbour who happened to witness the incident asked my mom abt it. my mom was in a shock to find my back full with deep scratch wounds. she brought me to Hospital Trendak Camp and i ended being warded for almost a month. turn out i was suspected to have kidney problem and as a result suffering a diabetes. experiencing the nurse jab me and took my blood almost everyday for checking i must say not a very pleasant experience. the second incident was when my younger bro fall into the perigi buta and almost drowned. abih sumer orang kampung datang tolong selamatkan dia. dalam plak lak perigi buta tu.

it was at the third rented house where the fond memories were charted. the place was called Londang. it was there i started my primary school at Sekolah Kebangsaan Bukit Beringin a few kilometres away where we have to walk. it is here where i started to learn 'mengaji' a few months before my primary school days. i was struggling to read 'alif ba ta' till the Tok Guru threatened to whack me with his long rattan. the next day i was able to read the 'alif ba ta' fluently and managed to read quran when i entered year 2 of primary school. it was at this house i learned to pray on my own by holding the book of how to pray while performing and reciting the prayer. i remember my sisters were laughing at me at that time. it was here the golden years of my childhood. got a lot of frens here compared to previous houses when i was just playing with my litle bro. we played a lot of 'kampung games'. you named it we have it all. almost.

halfway through year 2 of primary school, we moved to Kuching, Sarawak. my dad was posted at Pengkalan TUDM Kuching. my bro & sis and i were schooling at Sekolah Rendah Mejar Jeneral Dato Ibrahim, Semenggo Kem, Kuching. This time we stay at the army quarters few kilometres away, if am not mistaken batu 10 or batu 12, Penrissen Kem, Kuching. here we got a new click of frens. we roamed the whole army quarters which was very big. we even roamed the nearby jungles. sometimes my dad also brought me into the jungle looking for some of its rich offerings. this i got to tell more elaborate next time. my dad always brought me out for his outdoor activities such as menjala ikan d laut, menjerat burung wak2, caught ikan keli di dalam kolong2 di KL and mcm2 lagi.

it was at this army quarter my parents started to petty trade at local market. but the one who actually do the act of selling is me. it started when i was in year 4 of primary school starting with selling 'tempeh'. my dad made it. i have to carry a load of tempeh on my shoulder about a kilometre and half before reached the market. i guess that explain why a side of my shoulder kinda a 'senget'. the tempeh was placed and displayed on a makeshift table about my waist height. as a result those makcik2 have to bend down to pick their choice of tempeh. i guess this is my first lesson of boobs! there were a lot of boobs. poor innocent me.

a year after, we started to sell mee. fresh me. again my parents made them. again i have to sell them. later on they add taugeh with it. my task is only to sell. balik rumah bagi duit to my parents and never get to see them (the money) again.

a month after entering year 6, my dad was posted to KL, Kem Genting Klang. tho my dad was given a quarter to stay there, my parents choose to let my lil bro and me schooling at our hometown in Malacca. my sisters entered a boarding at Batu Berendam, Malacca. my dad will make a monthly trip to our hometown. few montsh later my mom and my lil sis went to stay with my dad in kl. i was then stayed with my mak long and my lil bro stayed with our grandmom from my dad's side and he transfered to new school nearer to my grandmom's house.

upon entering secondary school i was given asked to choose by my parents either to go to Malacca High School or another school at Batu Berendam. i choosed the latter. sensing it is the school that my mom want i go to.

primary school is totally different animal. in addition i stay at boarding school. this got to be another writings. panjang wooo mau tulis ... years of independence and carefree.

.

Retro ... Preludium.

bila mata enggan lena

waktu berlalu berhengsot-hengsot

seiring mata yang terkebil-kebil

.

jika mata dipejam

waktu yang berdetik satu-satu

bergema dan bergaung

di lubuk hati

yang sepi.

.

aku rindu.

pic : Missing You by DavidsDRK
words : mz @ 2/03/07.

.......................................................................

on mc today. but still have to come to office. got urgent matter to attend to. infact they called me up yesterday evening but i was asleep at home after swallowed those pills prescribed by the doc minus the sleeping pill.

am loosing my sleep too often. getting to sleep for 4 or 5 hours within 72 hours surely not a good thing. but as life is a struggle, am struggling to get my eyes closed for a good sleep.

trying to make myself busy with works. with my kids. with my home. alas as what i told myself few months back ... when tomorrow start, sorrow will be my soulmate ... exactly that is what it is now perhaps. no matter how good life will turn out to be ... what can smoothen up a heart in sadness?

last week i gave the bonus letter to my colleagues ... their faces brimmed with smile and happiness while i smiled with proud feeling. i told them ... the only reason i still come to work is for them.

like those lamps .. burning own life for others. how soon will these all end?

"sakit apa?" colleagues asked me.
"rindu .... " i answered them.
"kalu sakit windu ... bakpo dokter yang cucuk montot. orang yang di rindu la patut cucuk" replied one of them. we both them broke into laughter. as if it was a good joke. perhaps it is a joke?

.