Akhir nya ...

pak cik rasa kurang sehat lately tapi pak cik tahan jek .. akhirnya pagi ni tak tahan dah. terpaksa pak cik amik obat tahan sakit ngan obat selsema dan obat sakit tekak. keje manyak .. x leh nak mc. tu pun obat beli kat farmasi ngan kedai jek. tak leh plak nak terus berpuasa di bulan syawal nih.

pak cik sebenar nya tengah sexperimenting new blog. blog ni kira mcm diari. pak cik cuba tulis in detail. oleh itu ada lah mender2 yang sensitip dan 18 sx. sebab tu buat masa ini pak cik 'private' kan je dulu.

salah satu sebab pak cik sexperiment blog nih adalah seblom ni apa yang terjadi dan berlaku pak cik tak pernah nak catat kat mana2. walopun sesetengah perkara tu sepatutnya pak cik catat. dan banyak mender2 yang pelik dan yang melukakan hati pak cik wat tak hirau jek. malas nak ingat. tapi setelah di pikir-pikir semula, elok la pak cik catat di mana2. senang nak wat rujukan kalo2 sesuatu terjadi.

bukan pak cik tak mo apdet. selain dari sebab di atas, pak cik sebenarnya di persimpangan jalan. sedang memikirkan langkah2 pak cik seterusnya. sedang mencongak2. sedang merangka2 pelan tindakan. selebihnya pak cik menunggu sesuatu. harap2 Tuhan makbulkan doa pak cik.

ari ni bezday anak pak cik si ibai. petang nanti kene beli kek untuk dia. dengan adiah nya sekali. nak tau adiah apa pak cik nak bagi? sebuah al-quran ... insya'allah.

.

"just when I thot I have seen it all .. a new strings of complicated, absurd and unthinkable events started to unfold between my eyes. speechless i am ..."

Keep Smiling Dude! :)

got a call just now. just another bad news.

sighh .. i got to keep mum from now on.

don't forget to smile.

:)

Yang Sebenar nya ... I Miss You Terribly : The Poem.

Malam Tiada Bulan.

kau tahu
tiada bulan malam ini
tapi masih kau
mendongak dan menjeling
ke awan.

kau tahu
masa yang telah berlalu
tak kan dapat kau putar kembali
tapi masih kau
mengimbau dan mengenang
memori itu.

kau tahu
dia telah lama tiada
jauh meninggalkan kau pergi
tapi masih kau
melewati tempat-tempat kamu
pernah bersama.

kau tahu
air mata hanya menyuburkan
cinta sebelah tangan serta duka
tapi masih kau
mengukir bait-bait kasih dan
menangis rindu.

kau tahu
kisah ini kisah duka
kau terseksa penuh lara
tapi masih kau
enggan melepaskan dia
dari hati mu.

- 1st Syawal. Versi Panjang.
- when i miss her terribly.

Yang Sebenar nya ... Preludium.

sila refer entri pak cik di bawah .. yang bertajuk "How I Wish".

sebenar nya pak cik nak tulis how i wish i could spill it all in this blog. segala yang terpendam selama ini. segala cerita. segala harapan. pendek kata .. segala-gala nya lah. tak der lah pak cik nak berkias-kias. tersirat di sebalik yang tersurat. pakai metaphore. simbolik. read between the lines?

kalau lah pak cik boleh luahkan segala nya. kadang-kadang tak tertanggung.

akan tetapi bila dah tulis tajuk tu .. tetiba isi nya jadik lain. pak cik teragak-agak untuk berterus-terang dalam menyampaikan. ketika itu ada lak ilham. maka lahirlah baris-baris perkataan dan ayat yang sebagaimana tersurat. sajak ke apa nama dia.

mungkin ketika itu pak cik masih belum bersedia? masih enggan mencurah kan semua khuatiru meluka kan hati sesiapa? menjatuhkan maruah dan mengata sesiapa? ntah la ..

tapi bagaimana sekarang ...? mungkin tidak ..

Apdet Sepintas Lalu ... the worst is yet to come?

my prayer have not been answered just yet. Only He knows y ... sighhh.

on other note, after a few slow yet cynical request by one of the boss, yesterday evening i finally cut my hair that has not been trimmed nor cut for few months. thot if my prayer granted by Him i can continue keeping the hair till it grow like a true rockers might be. what to do? anyway .. will keep it again from now on. for how long only He would answer. along with moustache and beard that i shaved clean.

later on at 3 am, the deja-vu that i have sexperiencing since fasting month come to reality. all my intuition come true. sighh .. automatically the last part of the 'immortal' song by evanescene played again and again in my head ... "i have been alone all along ..". and with no one to talk to, only to Him i can call for strength and guidance. an irony isn't it? you are supposed to leave your loved one after so many incidents but yet you still trying to hold on to it believing people will change. and out of sudden the loved one simply made the choice to leave without any hesitation whatsoever. so swift is the decision it come as a surprise. but the deja-vu that i have kinda minimise the effect. thus managed to save the tears for another days .. perhaps.

with the above, i am almost on my last quarter way of being totally alone. this last part will be tricky. by end of the year perhaps it will be over. or maybe by february next year. or perhaps much sooner. depends on what He has written for me.

the worst is yet to come? bring it on. like it or not i will have to face them. just treat it as the repercussion for my sins. mebbe this is the reason my prayer not been answered. cause i am a sinner?

:)

.

"hold the tears. keep smiling. hide the trouble. make them worry not of anything."

Mari Bersukan.

yep yep hooray! raikonen won the Brazilian GP and world championship beating McLaren's Lewis Hamilton and Fernando Alonso! just as i hoped for. a good slap in the face for McLaren for being too arrogant and too over confident. and to say they have not benefited from the stolen confidential data from Ferrari was just a political sexcuses which marred their reputation as an established F1 team.

kudos to Ferrari! at last the kid brought in by Sauber Petronas into F1 circus make it good this time.

on rugby world cup, south africa beat the english for the cup. sorry guys, i have never interested to see the springboks play but for the final i have to support them cause the english play a boring game. solely depend on the scrum and lottery shot at penalty or drop goal? its truly bored! too bad the all black and the australian unexpectedly can't make into the final. we were denied for a beautiful game!

Rossi again became the runner up for motoGP world championship. losing to stoner of ducati. i have to say rossi's yamaha clearly lack of speed compared to honda and ducati as seen even last year. to make it worst bridgestone tyre used by ducatis looks superior than michelin. as a truth champion still we see rossi fight the title and for the every gp winning fiercely. but that guy of stoner is really something. wanna see a rider sliding around the track? just watch him race. hope rossi will have a good package to fight for the crown again next year.

football .. arsenal maintain its top position on EPL. something that nobody has sexpected. and i hope MU will slip a few games thus allowing Arsenal to maintain its grip on the league's top table. as for liverpool and Chelsea, they look shaky thus far.

for local football? as one mak cik answered the TV's interview ... "apa itu Piala Malaysia?". :) hehehehe. unless something being changed the way we run our local sporting body whatever they are, it is hard to see we will progress dramatically onto the world stage.

:)

How I Wish.

so much things going on
so many things happened
a lot of things on my mind
a lot of things on my hand.

if only
there is someone
whom i could talk with
just to share my thots
my feelings and my hope.

o my lunar
my lady starlight
how i wish
you are here by me
i dreamt for you so long
till i can't dream anymore.

- 8th syawal.

Malam Tiada Bulan.

kau tahu
tiada bulan malam ini
tapi masih kau
mendongak dan menjeling
ke awan.

- 1st syawal. versi pendek.

The Moment Of Truth. Part 1.

am so glad that most people that i know are/were having a good celebration of eidul fitri. as for me, ntah la. difficult to describe. perhaps this is the most sombre celebration as far as i cud remember. the first raya evening my family and i are already back at our own house. wat to do. am at the verge to be disowned by my own parents and family. supposed to be with them after spending the morning at in laws. at the moment am walking a tite rope where i cud easily be thrown out of the equation. and the most dangerous factor is as what i told my wife, 'i am innocent'. i felt that injustice has been inflicted on me. thus, plus my stubborn and hardheaded approach, i might slip further.

at the moment i tried not to think much about it. there are a lot other things that require my immediate attentions. as for my family, in a way this is perhaps the answer for my wife's wish. we celebrate this raya closely amongst us 'anak beranak'. as this is perhaps our last raya together. but at least the kids are having fun.

what may come will come. and as i mentioned earlier, mebbe the worst is yet to come. tho i hope it is over.

i made promise to myself to hold back and to be patience a bit in order to make this hari raya as much as enjoyable to everybody else. nevermind what i felt and what i thot. now that hari raya is over, tho some may say ari raya is a month of celebration, perhaps now is the time to face the truth. all i need is for Him to grant my prayer, give me the strength, give me the ammunition. now is the time to resist and fight back, if they ever dare to test my patience again.

.

"Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel, it is just a freight train coming your way" ... Metallica, No Leaf Clover.

Best Wishes.

seblom terlupa dan terleka pak cik ucapkan slamat hari raya fitrah kepada semua rakan taulan, teman2 blog, para pengunjung blog pak cik, para pembaca dan pengomen.

jari jemari tangan dan kaki di susun
tanda ampun dan maaf pak cik pohon
atas segala salah silap kelakuan dan tata bicara
samada tak sengaja atau sememangnya pak cik sengaja.

terbenam bulan ramadhan di malam ini
maka terbitlah bulan syawal esok pagi
walaupun tak tampak di mata ini
dalam hati ........* yang menjadi suri.

* sila isi tempat kosong. contoh nya : 'cik jueralah'

:)

Apdet seciput ..

as expected the worst is yet to come. today two major bomb shells were dropped rite infront of me. apart from the minor bombs that sexploded today and yesterday. yup, i got hit. got hit badly. but still i smile. coz there is nothing else that i could do.

and still the baddest and the far worst is yet to come. i know they are impending. waiting for their time to crop up and rattle whatever they will.

well, what might come may come. my plan for now is to be patient a bit more in trying to make this coming hari raya as good as it can be for everybody around.

will try to maintain my smile and not to shed any tears. ain't they say boys don't cry?

:)

Heaven's Lost.

Hanyut.

ribut taufan masih mengganas
lautan berombak besar bergelora
melambung-lambung bahtera ini
dan aku terkial di dalam hujan lebat
cuba mengemudi ntah ke mana
dalam keadaan tiada apa kelihatan
melainkan samar dan gelap.

andainya bahtera ini pecah dan karam
tenggelam lah aku ke laut yang dalam
berkubur tidak bernesan
namun sekurang-kurangnya
dapatlah aku berehat panjang
aku pun telah teramat penat
mengharung ribut ini sendirian.

- teary sunday. 30 Sept 2007.

"dear lord, grant me this wish. for thy peace be upon her forever. and for this wish i will trade my soul if i have to. sunken and buried in the deep black cold sea water forever. thus my cries will not be heard by anyone."

kenangan ari raya dulu dulu ..

ada org mintak pak cik at least wat entri pasal ari raya ... kalo pun x mo apdet blog pak cik nih.

bukan pak cik x mo apdet. tapi tu lah, biarlah resia dulu ..

entri ari raya, pak cik nak citer pasal kenangan ari raya yang pak cik leh ingat. masa kecik semasa duduk di masjid tanah melaka, rasanya umur pak cik antara 5 ke 8 tawon, kenangan raya di situ yang paling teringat adalah malam tujuh likur dan bermain mercun dan meriam buluh. malam tujuh likur ni kalo tak shilaps pak cik lah, pak cik akan ikut rumbungan gi rumah ke rumah baca apa ntah ... kendian dapat kuih. pak cik shiap bawak beg plestik sebab nak isi kuih muih pemberian tuan rumah. ntah kenapa kuih koci inti nyior yang paling banyak di beri. masa ni juga ayah pak cik aktip membelikan mercun dan bunger api untuk anak2 dia. kami adek beradek memang sonok aaa main. tapi tak leh lawan bila juin jiran main meriam buluh dia. dia punya munyi ... "kaboooom" sungguh menguja hati pak cik untuk menjadik sojar.

kendian kami berpindah ke kucheng sarawak. dok sana sampai pak cik darjah 6. tinggal dalam kem tahu lah .. banyak rumah yang perlu di dziarahi. puas lah mengutip duit raya. penuh kocek baju melayu. masa tu dapat syiling jek. beratttt. siap kene balik umah untuk simpan dulu duit yang dah penuh sumer kocek. pak cik masa tu berniaga di pasar menjual tempe dan mee kuning. jadi nya ramai lah yang kenal. glamer lah skit.

kendian ayah di tukarkan ke kuala lumpur. kat sana tak ramai geng. sebabnya pak cik bersekolah asrama di melaka dan kemudian di klang, bila masa nak buat kawan dlm kem kat kl tu? so beraya pun tak besh. dok pakat tgk tibi jek kat umah. cuma ada lah satu kali tu ayah bawa pak cik bersemayang raya di dalam kem komando d kl. melihat pemuda2 rekrut komando yang macam blur2 ntahkan kesedihan ntah kan apa di dalam surau tu, sedeh lak pak cik jadi nya.

bila pak cik masuk sekulah tinggi mara kat negeri d pantai timur dan di selatan tanahair, kenal lah beberapa rakan taulan di kl yang belajar satu kampus. baru lah mula jalan2 pusing kl ke rumah mereka dan rumah gelpren2 mereka.

errr ... cukuplah sampai di situ. nanti tercerita lak kisah syahdu ari raya. citer yang sedih2 biarlah tersimpan saja dalam lipatan sejarah. untuk sesekali di kenang bila duduk sendirian mengulit dan mengimbau kenangan silam. agar menjadi pengajaran di masa hadapan. walaupun sebenarnya setakat ini kelihatan tidak serik-serik dan tak reti-reti mangambil iktibar ...

.

"every sorrow is coming from you own self. whether u know it or not. whether you acknowledge it or not"

Retro ..

am not well
and i wanted to see you
but something hold me down
or is it the way you treated me?

am not well
owh yea am not well
am left pondering
who hold the cure
the cure for a cut
deep in my heart.

- mz. 2/2/07. -

apdet skit .. *skit je tau*

buat pertama kali, pak cik tak semayang tarawih malam tadi. :(

things are not good and not encouraging either since last saturday. from bad to worst.

what shud i do? *whispering to myself*

A lil moment pls ... 2.

during my diploma time, i still remember how i anguishly debated with my fren on the 'opinion' given by the late sudirman on islamic issue versus the 'fatwa' and opinion given by alim ulama on the same topic. opinion given by the late sudirman was featured in Mingguan Malaysia, in a major column allocated for an islamic issue. i cant remember wat was the topic was but certainly related to entertainment industry.

i was telling my fren, since there is two opinion on the same issue, he must support the opinion given by the professional or the 'ahli' on that topic. since it is an islamic topic that he must agreed to and accede to the alim ulama's fatwa. But my fren remain adamant to support the opinion given by the late 'singing lawyer'. so i just left him, he and his big ego. i know he know i am rite. naturally if he want to know a recipe for cheesecake he shud have asked a cook and not a blacksmith, rite?

once i debated with my office mate/colleague on the issue of konsert amal jariah. i told him since that consert is actually forbidden by islamic so naturally there is no 'amal jariah' but 'buat susah payah' jek. but to him he didn't see my point. to him the concert is done and held for the good cause so it should be alrite. i know it is hard for me to explain to him but i just left him once i gave him my opinion. i can't persuaded him to heed to my advise or opinion, as i am also as jahil as him.

not so long ago, jabatan agama issued a decree that music black metal is 'haram'. almost all the fellow black metallian cry fouls and made a big hu ha amongst themselve. according to them it is more on political reason. i remain as silence as i cud be. to me the whole issue is simple. the black metal music is haram not more than the haram status befallen for the whole music industry itself. can u bring me a decent ulama that cud say outrightly that contemporary music is halal? even the presence of Tok Guru Nik Aziz for a well seggregated female/male sin one of the pop concert in Kota Bharu failed to convince me that the music is outrightly halal.

there is big difference between committing a 'maksiat' and knowingly and admittingly it is a maksiat (with or without an intention to repent later) and with trying to make that 'maksiat' as halal. and what about those who doesnt know at all? maksiat ke tak? haram ke halal? don't ever think that we can escape using that sexcuses. the beauty of islam is, it is a religion by nature. naturally configured to our natural needs and requirement. altho we can claim that we know nuts about any issue but honestly to God, deep down inside in our heart, our deep consciousness is telling and showing us the rite path. it is only that we choose to suppress it and ignore it due to other sexciting reasons fanned by tempations and evil thots and intention.

A lil moment pls ..

(Lazimnya) perempuan-perempuan yang jahat adalah untuk lelaki-lelaki yang jahat, dan lelaki-lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan-perempuan yang jahat; dan (sebaliknya) perempuan-perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki-lelaki yang baik, dan lelaki-lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan-perempuan yang baik. [Maksud surah al-Nur 24:26]

found the above on ustazah nughul's blog entry, one of the readers' comment.

all i wanna say is, that verses look easy to be read and understood right away. but the truth is ... it needed to be translated by the Learned one. ever heard that learning from a book alone is like learning from the devil? we cud easily be led to misconconception and strayed towards the wrong path by our own shallow understanding plus bad influenced by temptation and the devil's evil itself.

there's a lot to be said and learned from one verse(s) ... like where it was narrated to our Prophet? when? why? what incidents called for it? this will help us understanding the true meaning of one and each verses.

there's more than just to cite a verse(s) ...