Arbai'e Bujang Kembali ...

almost everytime when there is school holiday i would be sending my wife and kids to her hometown in Lenggeng, Negeri Sembilan. then i wud be single again .. :)) muahahaha *satanic laugh*

this time around is no different. my wife planned to stay there for a week only. but i told her to stay for there for the whole 2 weeks. :)) muahahaha *satanic laugh again*

but my kids seems to have caught a fever. currently my doter and the first son. most likely i would have to fetch them much earlier than anticipated.

to be honest i am looking forward to be alone on my own once in a while. then i could do many things that i can't when they are around. such as i could dwelve into my works and stay in my office late till midnite. etc etc

but i am just human. i can't run from my immortal feelings. when i reached home and opened the gate all i could see is the picture of my kids awaiting for me by the sliding glass door. and in their eyes i could see their hopes and wish that i could drive them around. and that what i always do.

i guess this is one reality that i can't escape from. no matter what i do and where i go my kids will always be in my heart. as long as they still dependent on me i would not be running from my responsibilities. and i hope i could do much better than my father who as far as i can remember had discharged his duty even when i was on top of my devil acts where he was called to my school so many times as a result of my miss-adventures.

one thing that i hope for my kids is when they are big enough they will be independent on their own. and that time i hope i will not be dependent on them.

.

Such A Monster I Am.

i was called a man with big ego so many times. i was called a stubborn ever since i was little. i never really pay attention to them. to me if that is what they see me then so be it. i may act foolishly. i may err in few or so many things. but to have a bad intention i was never.

my wife said i am a type of person who will never lick what i have spat. and i never changed my decision once it was made. to some extent she is deadly wrong. but to another extent she is indeed rite.

things in the world evolve. so with men and women. they change. either intentionally or not there are a lot of factors that make them to.

so my wife noticed i changed. this is a new me she said.

to be honest i don't really know what has changed. but i did tell her don't expect me to be a good a person anymore. being good doesn't pay i added to her. people will always step your head.

peoples' opinion on me never bother me. what they do to me that matters.

i may changed. but i am still the same.

i am still stubborn. i am still hard headed. i still keeps things in my mind and heart. but what i said i meant it. and i really meant it. nothing can't really change it.

what i said no is no. what i said i want is exactly what i want. afterall do i have long list of do's and don'ts? is my request list ever exceeding 5 lines? i got a gold in my mouth remember?

i guess i am into new rules of game. new to me at least. it will be interesting to see who will be the loser at the end.

but this is not about winning or losing. this is just about making step by step walking thru this life day by day.

this is me. if you don't like it just leave me alone. i don't really mind roaming the world all by myself. that's what i did and i will do it without hesitation. i was born alone. i don't have a twin. although some thot i do. and i was once thot i do. but i was wrong.


- mumblings my blank mind out -

aku ... digoda lagi ....

.

how it all begun ... i am not sure. but today i was approached by a gay. and this is the most persistent. last time when i said i am not into it they just sexcused themself and gone. but not this guy.

and this guy, is a guy. not even a trans. and very macho and handsome he is. i wud say few times better than mawi @ asmawi ani.

for some reason i just speak to him nicely. didn't even asked him to go away. just a simple and nice words of saying no.

i wud say it was just my nature that i was and am and will never be inclined and aroused by the prospect of having close intimacy with the same gender. even when i was in all boys boarding school seeing other done it. even when i know a few trans. who some very much have the advantages over real girl/woman such as their body cut, skin, etc etc.

i don't know why and the reasons for it. but a conversation today probably give me one of the possible answer ... my obsession with woman's breast.


.

Kembara Di Tanah Gersang.

.

Kami semua senasib dengan mu
Wahai kembara di tanah gersang
Mencari kebahgiaan dalam hidup
Menempuh berbagai rintangan yang ada
Namun bahgia masih impian

- al-jawaher


.

PasaiKoLoGi.

this is the picture of my seken son merajuk ngan mama dia dalam kete. suka sangat dia merajuk ngan mama dia. tapi ngan aku dia kureng skit nak majuk. sebabnya kalo dia majuk aku akan pujuk dua tiga kali je. kalo tak jalan gak ... naik la kaki tangan aku :)) muahahahaha *gelak ala-ala jembalang tanah*

but actually senang aje nak pujuk dia ni. aku geletek dia dua tiga kali setel.

being the seken last one pangai dia a bit sulky especially ngan mama dia. tapi aku nengok he just wanna have attention from mama dia. when my wife complaint to me abt his attitude ... aku sound dia balik. kene la dia paham pangai budak tu. elok di manja-manja tetiba dtg plak adik dia, dah dia diabaikan, jadilah macam tu pangai dia.

but mebbe my wife tak pasan kut, he is actually penghibur hati dalam pamili aku. at least to me. yang paling banyak bercakap dia lah. member aku yang berjiran ngan aku pun tak larat nak layan sumer pertanyaan dia. kalo bab-bab sound aku ngan bini aku dia gak lah.

"ayah jangan isap rokok tau. nanti idung ayah berdarah ayah mati nanti" he told me once he watched the anti-smoke ads on the tv screen.
"tak baik tau mama marah anak-anak" he told my wife when my wife raise her voices while teaching his bro n sis.
"dah kawin mana boleh gaduh-gaduh" always he said when he caught us having arguments.

tapi ngan adik dia, dia selalu beralah. kekadang kesian plak aku nengokkan dia. macam kene buli je ngan adik dia. adik dia plak garang. ikut pangai sapa pun aku tak tahu :)) muehehehe

tapi kalo abang dia yang merajuk ... umak aiii. payah betui nak pujuk. ngan muka2 dia penuh sekpressi. selalunya aku biarkan aje. kalo aku pujuk tak jalan-jalan aku pulak yang naik angin nanti.

my wife cakap dia ni berpotensi jadi heartbreaker. sebab dia lah yang paling ensem antara adik ngan abang dia. aku no komen bab tu.

aku ada gak terlintas nak antar dia pergi maktab tahfiz ... tapi ntah la. nengok la dulu kan macam mana.

i hope my kids will grow to be good persons. independence on their own. pandai jaga diri sendiri. tak yah jaga aku pun tak per. ameeennnnn ....




.

The Missing Piece.

.

lately if there was a time and my mood was up to it and my bones feel a bit lighter and strong i will get myself busy doing the spring cleaning in my house.

so far i have worked on the large part of the store as well as the study room. i have threw out plastics of things i considered excess baggage. rearrange my cds collection in boxes. out of sudden i realized berlambak gak cds aku ni :)) ekekekeke. re-arrange all the documents either pending documents or important documents. and through out the process i managed to locate the old poems that i have been keeping by writing or typing them on a loose paper. but there is one substantial poem that i am still looking for it, the one by Muhammad Iqbal. it is the poem that make me search and look out for this poet from Pakistan. and there are a whole stock of his works in my open shelve.

i guess i will continue doing the spring cleaning. at least until i find this last missing piece.

as my wife commented "saya pasan awak dok asing barang2 awak ya?" of which i did not answer her.


.

Trilogi Koleksi Puisi : Tiga.

.

satu noktah dalam perkahwinan rama-rama

demikian
akhirnya
iblis pun berduka
syaitan pun berhiba
apabila aku menukarkan diri
dari seekor jantan menjadi seorang lelaki
setelah aku meratah cintamu
dengan budi harap dan syukur
seorang suami.


- hussain CS. Mac 1986. Fantasi, April 1988.

- i planned to have this long kept words to be written on a painting and to be hanged on a supposed new home's wall. looks like the plan is to be postponed perhaps permanently. and the wall to be left blank and empty.


.

Parti Liar : The Aftermath.

.

more than a month back i was invited by my colleague to the barbeque by the pool side at her condominium. she was holding the barbeque with other colleagues that renting the condominum unit in the same building. they have also invited me as well. 'parti liar' was what they jokingly call it.

so off i went with my whole family. we reached there around 6:30 pm. so my kids just jumped straight into the pool under supervision of my wife and our babysitter. and i get myself busy with lighting the fire then took charge of the grilling the meat, chicken, prawn, sutun bla bla bla ... i was busy doing the grill till got no time to jump into the pool myself, until we went back home around 8:30 pm. i got to watch F1 live telecast on the tv.

a week after a female colleague passed me a remarks by one of the girls that attended the barbeque about my wife. basically complaining about my wife. jeez ... tader keje lain depa ni. mengata je kejenya. but i gave little attention to it. lantaklah. masing-masing dah besar panjang. lantak kamu lah.

and what my wife had to say about the barbeque took me off-guard.

"saya perasaanlah. budak tu macam suka kat awak je." my wife said.
"ehh. mana awak tahu?" i asked her.
"saya tengok dia bukan main rapat dengan awak. mana awak pergi dia ada" my wife answered me. but i just smiled.
"dia yang selalu bagi kropok tu ya?" asked my wife.
"a'ah" i replied.
bla bla bla lagi ...

that particular girl is actually been good and kind to me. i guess she has her reasons. even some of my closed frens and colleague notice that. they even asked me to confront her about it but i refused. i prefer to let things just as it is. i got my own reasons.

on that barbeque day as i was busy she attended to my family needs. even took the foods to my wife for her and my kids. and she took them to her condominium units for maghrib prayer and all.

"awak nampak tak. bukan semua pompuan suka kat saya saya akan layan" i told my wife.
"eleh. awak tak layan sebab she is not your type" my wife answered me.
"pulak dah" i said to myself. then i just left the subject. no need to prolong the conversation about it.

i guess now i got the tag as 'pakar barbeque' coz at the other earlier barbeque held by other colleague i also ended up as the one who light the fire and had things going as they have failed it.

ni berkat duduk kampung masak guno kayu gotah dulu lah. nyalo api guno segerap yo. :)) muehehehehe


.

Trilogi Koleksi Puisi : Dua.

.

Di Depan Cermin, 3

di depan cermin itu, perlahan-lahan dia menyaksikan dirinya
diam-diam dirinya berubah menjadi embun
mengalir dan menetes menuruni bingkai kaca
diam-diam matahari pagi itu mengheret-heretnya
dari bingkai kaca itu
menjunjung kabus di tanah-tanah yang jauh.


- moechtar awang. majalah Fantasi, October 1986.

- life is a journey. continously moving with its own pace. through the time. regardless of what we want and wish. regardless whatever cross our path. and with this deep wound i walk towards the only one destination left. silently. when the whole world means nothing.


.

Slamat Hari Ibu.

.

last saturday morning i took my kids for swimming, as usual. since my sister asked us to bring along my anak buah, so i have to fetch him from my parent house. surprisingly my mom wanna tag along. so off we went, eight of us in my small car.

we done at the swimming pool around thirty past eleven in the morning. before we went home we dropped by at the section 13's Giant. i bought for my mom a crystal bracelet from the shop i used to go, kununnya hadiah sempena hari ibu. :) once we got our takeaway KFC and accompanied my mom pusing-pusing dalam giant tu, only then we drove home.

this morning while driving my wife to her work place, my wife out of the blue told me the events unfolded unseen by me on that saturday. my mom grew suspicious when she saw the salesgirl joyfully entertaining me last saturday.

"makwe dak ijam ko tu?" my mom asked my wife.
"rapek yo nengok ehh" added my mom.
"takdo lah mak" answered my wife.
"dak ijam memang mcm tu mak ngan orang luar" my wife explaining to my mom.

bla bla bla on and on my wife told me about my mom comments to her on that day. my wife was actually laughing her heart out while she told me the story. as for me i was just silent.

the reason my wife was laughing coz i guess she was used to that scenario, probably she was laughing at herself. even she last time can't handle the situation. for example at the clinic that we normally frequent to, the female attendants there quite friendly with me. once she was complaining that he girls treat me nicely but not to her. but i guess she can't complaint much on that since the doctor, the female doctor is also on the good terms with me. even on her first visit to that crystal shop i also noticed that she found it akward at first when those salesgirls are very friendly with me. they also nice to my kids. "amboii. bukan main mesra nampak" she commented when we left the shop.

but at the end it all are just good relationship with me being cordial. which actually do us good as well. we get good discount. my mom's bracelet was packed nicely in a nice box. on top of that my wife got a free bracelet. only i ended up with a hole in my pocket.

all in all i am friendly with those peoples that i normally meets and visits. she noticed clearly that i got good treatment at the mamak shop. and few other places as well. so if anybody get jealous and grew suspicious out of that, that i can't help. my act is the same either to females or males.

luckily for my mom she didn't asked me right there and then about her suspicious. other wise i would have answered her "teman tapi mesra mak".

:)) ekekekekeke


- blom lagi citer pasal parti liar. :)) muahahaha *gelak setan*


.

Trilogi Koleksi Puisi : Satu.

.

Kalau ombak tak menghempas
akankah burung berhenti berkicau?
kalau awan tak bergulung
apakah angin kehilangan lagu?
kalau gunung tak dipayungi langit kukuh
apakah belantara terbakar sengsara?

Tampakkah
ombak yang mampir kepantai
mengukir rindu yang amat
angin yang menampar dedaunan nyiur
membisik resah yang amat.

- words by KEMALA

- rindu ini menukar segalanya menjadi sunyi.

.

and that is how they are ...

.

after days of juggling my works i have done vetting through the security documentation for banking facilities granted by local islamic bank. as i am typing the memo to the bosses to highlight the salient points and my recommendation accordingly, suddenly one of the boss called. basically the solicitor told him that the Bank initially informed them that they don't have standard documentation. so the solicitors went on to draft the security documentation on their own. which is the one that i have vet through. but apparently now the Bank have the standard document. but yet to be given to the solicitor. the solicitor are even not sure whether they have to get it from the Bank or the Bank will forward it to them. what the heck is going on i can't even understand. and the boss asked me to straight things up? call the banks and solicitors pun tader dapat. will call back la apa lagi. arames!!

most likely i will have to vet through another set of new security documentation. and it already been a couple of months from we received and accept the offer. talking about the efficiency.

tu baru satu bank. lagi satu bank lagi lah ...

perhaps i should write another nasty letter to Bank Negara.


.

and i die ...

.

once a learned woman said "isteri adalah hak mutlak suami. tetapi suami bukan lah hak mutlak seoarang isteri. suami boleh membaca diari si isteri tanpa izin. tetapi si isteri tidak boleh membaca diari si suami tanpa izin".

since our home computer went kaput my wife had to use my office notebook to do her work. and curiousity kill a cat they say. she stumbled poems in my notebook. some of them are mine. and they affected her emotionally. showed clearly on her face expression. on her body langguage. angin satu badan pun datang. at the end i have to give her massages. urut kepala. urut leher. urut tengkuk. urut bahu. urut tangan. urut belakang. "burrrppppp ..." angin kuar bertalu-talu. baru lah dia boleh tido.

tapi aku yang angin satu badan ni sapa plak nak urut? takper lah. but i hope, there would be a place for me in heaven (tho mebbe only after i was burnt in hell for thousand years) and there would be at least an angel waiting for me there. i guess that is my last hope. the hope that keep me moving for now.


.

show must go on ...

.

have you ever known a singer who has just lost his wife but the next minutes he stepped up on the stage and carry on to sing? and he singing his heart out.

life has never easy for me and what more for the past weeks. am losing sleeps and everything. how i wish that i could just walk away from everything and just be somewhere else and start new again. and hopeful things could be better.

but i just can't.

i woke up late for few days last weeks. even my wife can't wake me up so she left to her work place with taxi. and when i finally woke up by the noise made by my kids it was already late to go to work. late is late and still i have to go to the office. otherwise my colleague would call up. the boss secretary would call up. and the boss would call up.

"kat mana u ni?" the MD asked me on the phone.
"oh Datok. on the way ni" answered me.
"braper lama lagi nak sampai?" he asked again.
"lagi 15 minit Datok" slamber rock aku jawab.
"lagi stengah jam lah tu. ha ... cepat skit" he said before hang-up.

as a result the Board Meeting was delayed from 9:30 am to 10:30 am. all because of me as what the other boss said. better late than never! itu lah. kalo aku tak datang tak mo dia orang nak wat meeting tu. nak juga tunggu aku.

the best thing even when i was late, i still would drive my kids to the shop. iya lah. as soon as i put my notebook in the car they were already outside ready to follow me.

"masuk! masuk! ayah nak gi keje ni" i told them. but then both of them wat muka slamber je. muka innesen. and their eyes ... aiyaaaak, tak boleh tahan la ... so i ended up taking them to the shop and buy something for them before i could finally go off to the office.

sighhhh ...


.

enter 'Mawi' ...

.

8th May 2006.

it was about 4 pm. i can't closed my eyes. can't take the nap tho initially i was sleepy. the headache seems to gain way in my head. painful it is.

i open the door, switch on the light and exit from my room. bringing along my mug. after fill-up my mug with plain water i gave a cue to my colleague to join me at staging area. on the way there i took 2 pieces of Upamol 650 from the First Aid Kit.

on my fren advise i only consumed i piece of the upamol. 'ko nak mampus makan dedua bijik? baik ko amik obat bius je terus' he said. then we chatted while smoking.

'aku ingat kan .. kan ... aku sakit pala ni pasai panas la' i told him.
'rambut panjang dah macam karpet .. mana tak panas' cynically he told me.
'ye la. aku ingat nak potong rambut pendek la macam mawi sejuk sikit'. i told him.
'iya la tu. aku bet ngan ko. kalo ko potong pendek macam mawi .. seminggu aku blanja ko makan tengahari' he dare me.
'ko jangan memain. petang ni jugak aku pergi putun' i dare him back.
'kalo brani ko putun la. aku cabar' he dare me again.

dalam hati aku senyum je. memang dah lama hajat di hati aku nak potong rambut pendek. siap la ko! aku dok berkira2 dalam hati.

'apa kata kalo aku botak kan pala pas tu aku dtg opis pakai ketayap. kita up skit. ko blanja aku sebulan' i told him trying to sexcite thing a bit.

'ok. ko botak kan pala tapi ko pakai snow cap! konpem aku banjer sebulan' he said to negotiate the bet. we both broke into laughter.

that evening at mamak restaurant, i got him to firm his bet infront of our frens. he did it.

after maghrib i head to the barber shop that i normally go. "be, ari ni lain skit be. kasi putun pendek srupo mawi!" i told the brother manning the barber shop.

'sungguh be? biar betul be?' he asked me in dis-belief.
'yo lo aaaaa' i answered him.

infact he asked me numerous time whether i want to go ahead with the cut.

'no duo be deh?' he asked me. 'ho!' i answered him.

then he proceeded to cut my hair. by 8 pm he was done. my hair was done. so i text messages my frens "bereh! mawi is in the house!"

9th May 2006

the response from my family last nite were overwhelming. "dalam 12 tahun saya kenal awak inilah pertama kali awak potong rambut pendek macam ni" my wife said.

the same with peeps at the office today. various comment been given. shocked and followed with laughter. few snapped a photo. the bosses also came to my place asking about my hair. "apa jadi kat rambut u?" asked the MD. 'apa kena?' asked the other director.

all i know i want to have my hair short. and today i am collecting the payment. and will collect the payment for the remaining of 6 days. 6 working days that is.

:)) muahahahahaha *gelak farouk dalam citer Gila-Gila Remaja*

tak salahkan minum air sambil nyelam?


.

as good as it gets, or as bad ...

.




ehem dak bulat! amik ni. pueh ati ko? den ingek an gamba ni nak wat id. tapi takpo la. lenkali lah yo.

jangan lak ko tunjuk gamba ni mo kak susu yo? kut kang dio jatuh chenta mo den sampai putuih tunang bagai, den gak yang susah nanti.

:))muehehehehe



.

Promises Under The Rain.

.

kuyup di dalam hujan lebat yang enggan reda ini
menggigil kesejukan dipukul angin kencang tak henti
aku nekad mamahat ikrar mengabdi janji di hati
bintang di langit tidak akan aku endahkan lagi
purnama di awan tidak akan aku pedulikan lagi.


keindahan maya itu bukan tercipta buatku
senyuman manis bidadari itu bukan terlarik untukku.



- in the past midnite rain, 07 May 2006, Keramat, KL.

.

memories remain.

Di Penjara Janji

Hatiku digirisnya lagi
Kali ini lebih dalam dan pedih
Kerna aku sudah berjanji
Dia cinta ku yang terakhir

Sungguh tak pernah ku menduga
Dia akan mengulanginya semula
Namun untuk menodai cinta
Dan membiarkan aku sengsara

Dia tempat ku sandar
Angan ku pendamkan
Satu percintaan
Yang bisa ku jadikan
Tangga-tangga ku ke pintu syurga
Meleraikan rindu

Mengecap bahagia
Yang kerap dimadah
Insan yang murni
Yang dah rasakan cinta
Yang aku... mimpi


- the song i damaged on my first ever and only karaoke at setiawangsa, 21st April 2006.

Harapan Tak Kesampaian.

.


telah aku kira bintang-bintang di langit
berulang-ulang berkali-kali
namun rindu ini
masih enggan pergi.

telah aku renung bulan yang penuh
aku jadikan nya teman di malam sepi
tapi masih lagi aku
sunyi bersendiri.

telah aku dakap malam gelap ini
selimutkanlah aku hangatkanlah aku
tetapi masih lagi aku kesejukan
bahkan makin dingin.

pada siapa lagi
harus aku mengadu rindu?

ke mana pula harus aku pergi
mencari teman hati sejati?

apa lagi perlu aku lakukan
agar tak lagi kasih tak kesampaian


- april 24th, Monday. bs.
- how could an angel be so cruel and heartless?

.

.........

i deleted my other blog after a long thot. wattodo? i just don't have any other choice. it was a painful act. there were a lot of my works in there. one that i managed to salvage is the wordings i posted hereunder. sighhh...

life been mean lately. but i take it as my due.

made a promise to myself last time that i wudn't be asking y? what matter is they happened. the reasons just silly sexcuses.

guess i am alone now. perhaps have been all a long.


.

*********

seorang gadis
cantik dan manis berseri seri
berbudi pekerti terpuji
bagai bidadari dari syurgawi
melewati dunia mimpi ku ini.

seketika aku termangu sendiri
tersedar ke dunia realiti
yang dalam kehidupan sukar ini
pelangi masih terbit sesekali
tika hujan turun membasahi
di celah celah sinar mentari.

dapatkah aku
melepaskan diri dari dunia mimpi ini
yang sekian lama membelungi
dalam seribu satu kisah lalu.

dapatkah aku
kembali ke dunia hakiki
mengejar si gadis bidadari
mendakapnya berahi sehidup semati
bersama meniti ke syurga yang azali.


25 August 2005.


.

Bastard!!

The Past.

once upon a time, longggg time ago. a lady asked me to be her boyfriend. i asked her why? i am not looking. and she is married. then she told me i could make a different in her life. at the same time i could make a different in my life also. we both would be much better of. "can't you see that?" she asked me so convincingly. i remembered i was at Kerteh at that time. being a stupid bastard i play along. but very much time later to my disbelief she made a turn.

i was frustrated. i was mad. i shud call her bitch at that time. but bastardly stupid enuff i didn't. and the most bastard of all i still accept her as a fren and let her play with my emotion. darn bastard isn't it?

Present:

a bastard still.

Future :

fucking bastard still?


.

Nasib Si Lurus Bendul.

.


usahlah kau berkeluh kesah
memang sudah menjadi sumpah
untuk kau di pijak dan dilangkah
baik oleh seluruh isi rumah
atau tetamu yang datang menjengah.


- mz. 010506. 0230am. bs.

Se Batang Kara.

sebatang kara
sedari kecil
terpinggir
dari darah daging sendiri

sebatang kara
kembali akhirnya
tersingkir
oleh kekasih hati.

sebatang kara
itukah nasibnya
terukir
di azali selama-lamanya?


- mz. 010506. 0130am. bs.