The Naked Truth ...

women loved to be lied! that's the statement i used to hear, a lot, hundreds time. over the years i learned it is a truth that i can't denied. however, i refused to embrace that fact. i decided i wouldn't participate in that cult.

but it wasn't an easy path. nor it is a breeze life. as most women whether they realize it or not are embracing that believe. the simple reason being they can't handle the truth. as naked truth normally unrealistic, shameful, ugly and painful.

so when i told a truth, i was called a liar. not that i mind very much but it do sometimes a pain in the butt. if i tell a truth and people can't handle it, is it my problem. no, it wasn't, i told myself. but it is a problem isn't it? i mean the situation doesn't improve. and this is perhaps we may call it a communication problem.

these days i choose not to tell anything. i prefer to remain mum and numb. when saying things will not change anything perhaps it is time to play mute. just smiling :)

i try not to complaint nor mumbling about it. coz i know it is not easy to handle the truth. maybe that is why most things happen around us are being kept away from us, naturally. whether we know it or not.

and sometimes i prefer not knowing also. as i also know some of the things if i come to know about it will inflict a deepest cut. off course i prefer to know. but let it come on its own course. i would not put an effort to search and finding the truth. soon or later it will emerge. just hopeful i would be ready for it when it comes.

and a last note ... i don't really bothered to be called a liar. what do you sexpect from a jantan kabaret? but whether it is a truth or a lies ... time will tell. truth is something that can't be denied. it last. it will prevail. that's a truth!

.

"come lay with me and love me, surely i would stay ..." by Rainbow.

persoalan ...

"ijam. ko siap skrg. jap gi aku sampai" said my sister on the phone.

"pe hal nyer" i asked her.

"ader la" she answered.

"k" then i reach for my coldroy (betui ke ejaan dier?) pants which i took off just now. it was about midnite and i just came back home.

my head full of questions and guessing what is it this time. it must be family problems/matters again but what is it?

15 minutes later my sister arrived. in her car there are my other sister as well my mom. "ayah mana?" i asked my sister.

"ader kat rumah" my sister answered. then she continue to tell me what is the matters .....

the whole thing was visited and talked over that nite. but there are still things looks very grey. the parties involved yet to reveal the details.

i was send home about one and half hour later. but before i managed to exit the car my mom gave me a short lecture ...... bla bla bla. once i entered my home, i was tired so i just lie down and sleep.

a day after, my wife asked me what was that nite about. i didn't tell her anything. "awak masih layan saya mcm org luar ya?" she claimed. i was just smiling and tight my lips. that is not the reason. it is just me ... as in the past i don't talk private and family things to others. what i know mostly remain inside me.

in my mind also i know even if i don't tell her anythings about that nite, my wofe would know it from my sister. which is true enough "akak awak dah bagitau saya dah pasal malam tu" she told me a day after. again i was just smiling "dah agah dah .... " i said in my heart.

"akak awak pun ader bagitau apa mak cakap ngan awak malam tu tau" she added. errkk ...! this is beyond my expectations.

"apa dia cakap?" i asked my wife.

"kak cakap, mak ader cakap ngan abg suruh jaga saya ni. saya lah sorang nya menantu dia. dia tak mahu yang lain. menangis saya abg dengar mak cakap mcm tu" my wife said.

"ehh .. manader mak saya cakap mcm tu" i denied her statement.

"mak saya cakap ... kalau nak berpisah tu buat la elok2. jangan gaduh2. pikir dulu pasal anak2" i assert to her what i told her fortnight ago. definitely my version is a 'big lies'. it was meaning for a joke. naturally ...

note : that nite's matters is a domestic issue. but wasn't mine.

.

"when a man lies, he murders some part of the world..." by James Hetfield of Metallica.

Persoalannya ...

dahulu aku pernah menyatakan, siapakah kamu untuk menghakimi orang lain sebagai jahat? sedangkan kamu lahir dalam keluarga yang baik2, aman bahagia, kaya-raya atau pun senang tanpa perlu menghadapi kesukaran sengketa keluarga, kesempitan hidup dan pengaruh2 liar dari kejiranan dan kawanan yang salah. siapakah kamu untuk menghakimi orang lain sedangkan kamu cukup terpelihara dari segala kejahatan, nafsu dan anasir2 jahat dunia? bukankah Tuhan sendiri ada berfirman mampukah kamu memanggil diri kamu orang yang beriman sedang kamu belum lagi di datangi apa2 cobaan dan dogaan?

benarkah seorang yang tersiksa oleh ketidakadilan duniawi dan di zalimi dengan kekejaman yang penuh sadis boleh mendabik dada yang ia berhak untuk melakukan jenayah dan perkara2 jahat dan mungkar? lantaran dari kesempitan hidup ia berhak untuk mencuri dan merompak? akibat dari kezaliman dia berubah menjadi seorang penzalim? bukankah masih ramai mangsa2 ketidakadilan dan kekejaman masih mampu kekal menjadi manusia berhemah, waras dan jujur?

dan aku?

.

"in the world full of sufferings, there is abundance of ways and efforts to heal the wounds" so they say ...

Apdet.

sungguh kuciwa ... udah la Raikonen rosak keretanya, si Massa lak di putun oleh Alonso. BMW lak dpt tempat ke 6 & 7 kalo tak silaps, banding dengan grid kelayakan tempat ke 4 dan ke 5. kuciwa sungguh. Ferrari sepatutnya menang dengan kedua2 kereta mencatat keputusan maksimum pada ketika Hamilton tidak berupaya untuk mengutip sebarang mata. what a loss of opportunity!

ari senin pak cik bangun dengan lambatnya. bercadang nak masuk opis lagi lewat maka nya pak cik pun tipon la opis. tup-tup budak opis tu cakap depa sibuk carik pak cik sebab ada mesyuarat Lembaga Pengarah ari tu. la ... pak cik ingatkan lagi 2 3 ari. terpaksaaaaaa lah masuk gak opis. sib baik sorang pengarah tu lambat masuk. terselamatlah pak cik dari di katakan punca mesyuarat tu bermula lewat! :D

ari ni pun ada mesyuarat lembaga pengarah lagi. minggu ni pun ada macam2 mesyuarat. dengan presentation untuk prestasi setengah tahun. buring sungguh.

weekend ni tak tau nak wat apa lagi. mungkin gi camping. macam2 plan ada dlm kepala. segalanya mungkin .... but first, pak cik have to survive this week first ;))

Airmata.

mata yang merah
terasa hangat dan pecah
namun airmata
tetap tak kan tumpah.

tapi
pedihnya tetap sama
pilu tidak terperi
ngilu tidak tertanding
raungan kesakitan
tersekat dihalkum.

kadang-kadang
aku mengharapkan
airmata akan tumpah
membasahi luka dihati
membanjiri palit-palit duka.

dan bagai setelah hujan
mungkin segalanya akan kembali segar
mungkin pucuk harapan akan kembali bertunas.

.

Perlahan-lahan.

aku perhatikan
bulan yang perlahan-lahan
berarak mengikut dondonan awan
di bawah bintang-bintang bertaburan.

perlahan-lahan
masa berarak pergi
perlahan-lahan
aku mensia-siakan kehidupan.

.

"show me the meaning of being lonely ..."

Selagi Nyawa Di Kandung Badan.

masih ingatkah entri pak cik tentang pak cik pergi ke skolah anak2 pak cik sempena hari terbuka mengambil lapuran kemajuan anak2 pak cik. salah satu motivasi nya untuk pak cik pergi ke sekolah adalah dpat bejumpa dengan cikgu anak pak cik si ibai yang manis.

http://emzack.blogspot.com/2007/06/ehem-ehem.html

tempohari pak cik bertanya kepada si ibai ... "cikgu ibai dtg ari ni?"

"cikgu ibai tak dtg, dia pergi cari asben dia yg ilang" jawab si ibai.

"mana ibai tahu asben cikgu ibai tu hilang?" pak cik bertanya lagi.

"cikgu lain yang cakap" jawab si ibai.

semalam pak cik bertanya lagi kepada si ibai. ibai menjawab "cikgu tak dtg sebab asben dia meninggal dunia".

pak cik dah tahu dah sebenarnya.

kes ini merujuk kepada kisah nahas nuri di genting sempah di mana kesemua penumpang dan kakitangan meninggal dunia ... al-fatihah. salah seorang nya adalah asben kepada cikgu si ibai. di dalam naskhah suratkhabar utusan ari ni tersiar gambar cikgu ibai dan 3 orang anak2 nya.

pernah juga pak cik sebutkan dalam entri yang lepas2, selagi idup dan selagi masih bernafas, pak cik akan cuba untuk menjernehkan suasana dan silaturrahim dengan mereka2 yang rapat dan berinteraksi dengan pak cik, ayah dan ibu, adek beradek dan ahli2 keluarga yang lain, anak2 dan isteri, gelpren, boipren, teman dan rakan2 dan sesiapa sahaja.

tak kiralah siapa yang 'jalan' dahulu nanti, pastikan tiada penyesalan dan kemfunan di hati mereka yang di tinggalkan. ketika itu ucapan 'kalau lah ..." tiada berguna lagi.

kepada mangsa2 nahas nuri ... sekali lagi al-fatihah. kepada kaum keluarga mereka, moga mereka tabah dan bersabar menghadapi ujian dan dugaan ini.

.

"till death do us a part?"

.

Ntah La ...

last saturday i went back to my hometown in Malacca. i decided to bring all of my kids and my wife also. we departed after dawn. i wasn't getting any sleep that nite. the traffic along the way especially in the highway was ok and we travel at ease.

we arrived around 11 am. my sister and my dad already busy around the house. the new house almost completed now except for soem part of the ceiling, flooring tiles and electricity installment at the 'kitchen side'. the main house was completed a while back.

yes ... it was the fruit season. rambutan, pulasan, manggis and durian. all awaiting our homecomings. my wife was especially delighted to see the red pulasan. my kids was busying themselves around the house. i myself went to the back of the house ... the old rubber trees was call cleared without a traces. now the land is poised for re-plant of new rubber trees.

i was in a relatively cheer up mood according to my wife. i was singing one part of the lyric " .. dia bukan milik ku" from God's know what song is that. i myself didn't particularly aware just where did i picked up the song. but somehow one simpathetized sould gave me the song 'Hapus Aku' by Nidji.

Kutuliskan kesedihan

Semua tak bisa kau ungkapkan

Dan kita kan bicara dengan hatiku
Buang semua puisi

Antara kita berdua

Kau bunuh dia sesuatu

Yang kusebut itu cinta

Chorus:Yakinkan aku Tuhan

Dia bukan milikku

Biarkan waktu waktu

Hapus aku…

Sadarkan aku Tuhan

Dia bukan milikku

Biarkan waktu waktu

Hapus aku…

I realized that God do show me some lights. now it all up to me what to do. but still am not sure what should i do. to be filial and take revenge or just be myself and walk away and keep my soul to its current un-pure state and not to blacken it more ...

" out of sufferings, emerged a stronger soul" as some would saying. but there is also a likelihood that a baddest and meaner soul will emerge isn't it? ;))

Obsession.

i wasn't a good son before. not to suggest that i am a good one now. but when i was schooling and live at boarding school, at the age of 14, my wild life begins.

wild life and parents doesn't come in good synergies. how to tell a parents that i am not returning home but doing stuff they most likely won't permit nor sanction? lies after lies than started to come from my mouth.

it all goes on and on till i almost flop in my studies. not a so good result in spm put me in depression. still it doesn't deter me from the life i was embraced at that time.

a break show itself when i received an offer to further my study at sekolah tinggi mara. i wasn't interested but my sister persuasion on my mom's will and wish, i agreed. then i determine to start a new life. i determine to obtain my parents' trust. i determine not to tell lies ever.

i thot i managed to do just that. i have never troubled my parents again. they were never be called by any authorities again as a result of my miss-adventures. event after diploma i even managed not to trouble my parents financially. they do support me but i keep it very minimal.

but it was then. now am starting to re-evaluate the concept of lies and honesty. probably i am very obsessed wity my old primitive and outdated concept. there probably a new contemporary concept of lies and honesty.

probably i need to study the concept of "i lied to you because i don't want to offend ur feelings. i dont want you to feel sad. is it wrong for me to do that. is ist wrong for me to love you that way?". what was the lies is all about? for she to go out with other guy(s) so called friends including goes shopping, watching movies etc etc. this is not the first time i encounter this. not even a second time or third time.

probably i am very primitive and out dated. would i interested to change into a new me?

pondering ....

Ehem ...

do u note that today is Friday the 13th? kalo dlm citer2 dan movie omputeh, banyak la kejadian menakutkan lagi mengerikan berlaku ari ni. citer2 antu. citer2 seram. citer2 sedih. banyak berlatar belakangkan tarikh ini.

am not too sure whether our national tragedy of 13th May fall on Friday or not. anyone know?

as for myself, something did heppen on this date. it's some kind of anniversary. silently remembered. not too sure whether it is being revered. but it is definitely samting historical.

how about u?

Apdet!

tetiba malam ni intenet koneksi mcm ok je ... bleh la pak cik nak apdet skit.

pagi tadi gi opis amanah raya berhad. pak cik nak wat wasiat. supaya apabila pak cik 'jalan' nanti urusan pembahagian harta untuk para waris yang d tinggalkan menjadi mudah dan cepat.

pak cik juga singgah d pejabat epf ... pergi print penyata epf pak cik. dah berkurun tak dapat penyata. pak cik tgh dok mikir samada nak labur sebahagian nya ke dalam amanah saham.

setelah seminggu lebeh kurang menanti ... jawapan dari si dia cukup menawarkan perasaan dan harapan. tiada keikhlasan langsung. sayang apa kalu menipu? sayang apa kalu tiada terlihat sekelumit keikhlasan untuk berterus terang, mengaku kesilapan dan berusaha untuk tidak mengulangi nya semula. adalah lebih baik pak cik putuskan sahaja. cukup lah sampai di sini.

bulan depan bulan lapan. bulan istimewa untuk pak cik. mampukah pak cik mengukir senyuman? terlunaskah segala harapan dan impian? termakbulkah doa yang di panjatkan setiap malam setiap hari dan setiap ketika?

:

Darn It!

they install new gateaway internet connection purportedly to manage the spam & virus & bla bla bla. consequently my internet browsing have been largely impact by it; some of my frequently visited webiste are not un-accessible (kene block *ampeh*), nak post comment dlm blog pun payah n sengsara jadi nya, accessing the common website pun jadi slow n kenkadang mintak internet username & password (macam lah ader menatang tu dua) & macam2 lagi lah.

i can't sleep the other nite. altho my body was helplessly tired. last nite managed to drift to slumberland around 2 am and woke up a bit late at 6.50 am. this morning got meeting with bank's money market people on the hedging of euro dollar. we need to re-establish our forward contract. later on after lunch i will be away from office. got to visit a clinic. later on in the evening was hoping i cud do some jog. then trying to get the ticket for 'transformers the movie'. my kids dying to watch it. the other nite we cudnt get the tickets. sumer dah fenuh tinggal sits dedepan jek.

and an update ... i confronted the lady and she defiant trying to continuingly hiding her dark secret. little she know that i know. proof sumer ader. budussss .... now i am just playing along je lah.

the day i vow to start new, few temptations suddenly drop to my door steps. blahh! perhaps i really need to shake off my 'kabaret' thingy.

how aaaa?

To Be Or Not To Be ...

and the history repeated again ...

she dare to pull a lying games. mystically she is obsessed that things are not seen can't be proven and they can't be caught and charged as guilty from the sinister acts they willingly and sexcitingly orchestrated and performed.

i am at the point of pondering whether i should let her and her partner or patners continuingly dancing to the rythm of lies they made and do not let them know that i know. just for the sake of seeing how far she or they could go. with smile i will watching the pure lust and acts of lies.

or should i put my foot down now firmly and call it a day? with a smile off course ... for i have done my part sincerely tho it kill me physically and emotionally. let not waste any time and energy?

i risked it all and it come to nothing. not just yet perhaps.

pondering still ...

Reminiscent

Having a good faith

Having a good intention

But bad judgement

Clouded mind

Lusted soul

You are again doomed.

It is a long road

To begin where I am lost

Can heaven wait?

Or hell is already near?

.

Re-Starting New.

Today
Tuesday, 10th July 2007
This is the end
And also
This is new beginning
Yesterday sunset
Bring a new dawn today.

Keep on smiling
Keep on uttering nice words
Hold your faith
Do not stray
Again.

Pray the Lord
May my soul
Is for keep.


* i cry silently. i cry inside of me. for you i smile*

Ntah la ... 4?

pre-weekend ari tu keadaan agak tegang. bermula dari malam jumaat. keesokkan hari nya, pak cik dlm keadaan standby. tak abih2 standby untuk memuaskan kati org lain ...

ari sabtu pun sama jek lebeh kurang. belah petang tu pak cik antar seisi keluarga balik ke kampong d n9. sebelah malam nya pak cik berangkat pulang ke shah alam. terdapat beberapa agenda telah tersusun malam itu.

abih sumer nya, pak cik bergerak pulang semula ke n9. sampai ketika adzan subuh d laungkan. pak cik terus semayang dan pastu titon ...

bangun semula lewat tengahari. makan nasi berulamkan durian. belah petang nya pun makan pulut dan cekodok berulamkan durian. ni durian baru gugur. sodap ehhh tak terkato!

petang tu jugak lebeh kurang kol 6 pak cik dan keluarga beransur pulang ke shah alam. sampai lebeh kurang 7.15. sempat pak cik basuh kete sekejap seblom cepat2 gi semayang maghrib. pastu lepak kat umah jek ... tengok perlumbaan F1. besh gila .. terangkat2 punggung :D.

lepas abis race pak cik kuar sat .... jalan-jalan cari makan ....

Abandon By Heaven.

Collateral Defect (2007)
1. Reflections

2. Bloodwork

3. Touch Of Hate

4. Suicide Code

5. The Day I Die

6. Fragile Side

7. I Need A Hero

8. Out Of Clouds

9. Scars Of Sorrow

10. Memories

after long awaiting finally i managed to get hold of the mp3s. thanks to a fren :D.

i just listen to the album and its sound great! i am so relieve and happy after all the other bands' latest album doesn't fit to my liking (within tempatation, evenescene, tristania, etc etc). now i could only hope there will be song from the new album that can't outperformed their one song that i devour the most which is 'Abandon By Heaven'.

:D

Ntah la ... 3.

i want it to work
thus i swallow my pride
my jealousy i cast away
an a smile crafted on my face
as i hold your hand
together walking the path full of uncertainty
hoping we will make it
to where we wanna be.

and even if we will fail
at the end
at least i have tried
and i have risked everything in trying.

ntah la ... 2.

demi waktu yang telah berlalu dan yang bakal mendatang
demi masa yang telah diharungi bersama dan ketika terpisah
demi pengorbanan, kata-kata dan perbuatan yang lampau dan di masa depan
aku memohon kemaafan atas segala kesilapan dan kekurangan
aku telah mencoba yang terbaik mengikut keadaan dan kemampuan
tapi aku hanyalah manusia kerdil penuh kekurangan dan kelemahan
tak mampu memuaskan semua kehendak dan cita semua orang.

demi masa dan waktu yang masih terluang
selagi nyawa dan hayat di kandung badan
lupakanlah yang lepas jadikan sempadan
mari bersalam dan berpelukan
agar tidak kempunan bila nyawa tercabut dari badan.

Ntah la ..

bila rindu, resah, sayu dan pasrah
datang menjengah menggelodak perasaan
bila harapan, semangat dan cita-cita
kau titip, anyam dan bina
wajah siapakah itu
yang bermain-main di mata mu
nama siapakah itu
yang di sebut-sebut bibir mu
senyuman siapakah itu
yang menjadi penawar dan penyemarak.


- duhai hati yang resah. aduhai hati yang parah. bersabarlah. moga hari yang di tunggu. akan muncul juga. akhirnya ..

Would You ..?

upon returning from taking care of my dad at the hospital the other day ... someone was asking me "would you take care of me the same?". of which i answered swiftly "haven't i took care of you last time?", referring to almost a week time i spent attending to that someone's needs and etc etc which left me with not enough sleep, tho it was supposed to be my rest days of which exactly the reason i took a week off at the first place. and no further reply or query other than smile on that someone's face.

this is not the first time i have been asked similar question. but as i recall i have never asked the same question to others. even to my wife. am not too sure why.

as my wife put it ... "awak tu kalo sakit mana pernah nak cakap dengan saya. asben orang lain kalo sakit abis bini dia kene buli kene buat macam2. kene masak bubur la apa la ...bla bla bla .."

i have never confided in anyone about my illness. if i ever fall sick i will just go and see the doctor and get the respective medication. if i need to be hospitalised then i will just pack my things and go to the hospital on my own. i will not whine about my sickness except in my sleep. about foods and meals if i can't prepared it myself than i will be off wandering around looking for it. probably that explain why most of the times my wife did not and do not know that i am sicked and got an illness.

but God knows how much i wanted for someone to pop me a question instead *would you let me take care of you when you sick ..". and it will not just by a mere question gesture ..

Retro.

i have a large collections of mp3s and video clips collected heavily from end of December 2006 till now. from various artistes and genre. whether those that i like and love to listen to or those requested by friends and colleagues.

initially those songs and video clips are just to sooth my aching heart. but now i feels like i am drunk with all the songs. and am thinking mebbe i should cast them aside at the moment. too much consuming myself with them could harm myself also. orang pantai timur cakap .."lagho..".

at the moment am back to listen to my fundamental old favourite songs from Graveworm and Within Temptation. and the following two numbers are currently the most being played thru my car's player over & over at full blast especially when am driving all alone ..

Restless

*Take my hand as I wonder through
all my life I gave to you
Take my hand as I wander through
all my love I gave to you*


The Promises

*On behalf of her love
She no longer sleeps
Life had no longer meaning
Nothing to make her stay
She sold her soul away

I held you tight to me
You slipped away
You promised to return to me
And I believed*

* excerpt of the lyrics

Sukan Lumba.

pak cik sempat tgk F1 semalam. siaran langsung nya start lepas maghrib lebeh kurang kol 8. sempat tengok beberapa laps pembukaan pak cik pun pergi lah ke pasar malam. balik dari pasar malam maseh berbaki banyak lagi laps. pak cik pun tengok lah sebelum pak cik gi opis wat keje skit.

gumbira nya hati pak cik ferrari menang. tambahan lagi BMW dapat tempat ke 4 dan 5. tambah lagi si Alonso dapat nombor 7 je ... padan muka dia :D

si hamilton masih lagi mengekalkan rekod menaiki podium untuk setiap pusingan perlumbaan. tunggu lah bila 'the lady luck' stop smiling on him. kita tengok macam mana. harap2 masa tu ... ferrari is around to grab and maximise the opportunity for the championship both for the team and the driver.

tak sabar lak pak cik nak tgk perlumbaan di silverstone. kalo ferrari menag kat situ ... alangkah bahagia nya. padan muka team McLaren.

satu lagi ... valentino rossi menang perlumbaan MotoGp kat Assen, Belanda. tapi si Stoner dapat nombor dua lak. sikit je lah si rossi dapat mengurangkan jarak perbezaan mata. tak per ... banyak race lagi.

Wasted Sunset. Again.

they would probably say i woke up on the wrong side of the bed. i am a lion as soon as i myself became alert from slumberland this morning and not even yet open my eyes. just anything that came across my path will be struck with my paw or jaw.

and i hate it very much.